Archive for March, 2005

Tell us another Bible story Mommy

OK, so I don’t know much about the Bible. I think that’s because I was never tested on the material. For instance, I couldn’t tell you who Bathsheba, was but I think she’s got a really fabulous name. Very sophisticated. I can imagine her on the phone, ringing up one of her cosmopolitan friends – “Hello dah-ling, Bathsheba here. What’s say we get together for some drinks later? Mah-velous! Chau darling; kisses to Methusulah..”

And what about Sodom & Gomorrah? I’m pretty sure they’re cities, right? And they must have been real close to each other cause they’re always referred to as Sodom AND Gomorrah, like Minneapolis/St. Paul. I also think they were like the Old Testament version of Sin City, so maybe they had the motto, “Whatever happens in Sodom & Gomorrah stays in Sodom & Gomorrah.” Another factoid is that this is where the words sodomy and gonorrhea came from. So it was a pretty wild place.

A few years ago I thought it would be fun to read the Left Behind book series. It’s a modern-day version of the book of Revelation, or in the words of the Religious Right, THE END TIMES. Ooooh, scary. That way, I could learn a little bit about the New Testament. Cool! Also, who can resist a good, juicy story about plagues and bloody rain and other horrible things like that? I think there are at least 100 of these books cause they’ve been coming out for about 10 years now and they’re STILL not done with the damn story. I stuck it out through the first 5 of these incredibly bad, poorly written books and what I really got out of them was this:

Unless you’re a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN, you’d be better off just killing yourself now. YOU WILL NEVER MAKE IT TO HEAVEN.

Think about it folks , if Terri Schiavo is a Catholic she’s gonna go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks NO MATTER WHEN SHE DIES. If Terri is a Jew, same thing. Muslim – same thing. Buddhist: no fuckin’ way Jose. Even if her mom can manage to sneak ice cream into her hospital room for the next 20 years to keep her alive, she’s still going to burn in the fiery pits of hell. I think that if there is a hell, being brain-dead would probably be a good thing. Lucky Terri.

Anyway like I said, I stopped reading after the 5th book, mainly because the writing is sooooo bad, but also because the author is such an obvious bigot. I overhead a conversation the other day where one woman was going on and on about how much she JUST LOVED the Left Behind Series and how they were her FAVORITE BOOKS OF ALL TIME. The scary part is that about a billion people agree with her, which goes to show you just how bad most people’s judgment is and just how few books most people read in their lifetime.

As for me, I think I’ll crack open my New Testament tonight and see if I can figure out this Easter story…

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Just a Secular Second

As you read this, the Christian world is busy preparing to celebrate Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection. Today is Maundy Thursday and I don’t know what that means but I think it’s kind of like Chrismas Eve, only it’s Good Friday Eve. Anyway, I can’t say Maundy Thursday, or even think the words Maundy Thursday without humming the Mama & the Papas song, “Monday, Monday”, or as I like to call it, “Maundy, Maundy.”

Then there’s Good Friday, but I don’t know what was so good about it except Jesus and all his homies had dinner together. Then Jesus gets all Psychic Hotline & stuff, saying one of them was gonna royally ‘dis him to the Roman cops, and the disciples are all like “no way dude”, so then Jesus has to explain to them exactly how it was gonna go down. And then it supposedly happened exactly that way.

OK, then there’s Saturday and I’m pretty sure it’s called Holy Saturday and I guess that’s the day Jesus was crucified. Then the next day’s Easter and that’s really important cuz that’s when Jesus goes up to heaven – Bye-bye suckers.

Anyway, I’ve probably got some of this wrong but what do you expect?

So as I said before, most Christians are busy thinking about crucifixion and resurrection and which church service to attend and what color shoes will match their new dress – stuff like that. My family is having a big lunch so we’re doing a lot of thinking about food. As for me, I’m just trying to decide whether to bake a cake or just take the stuff to make some really kick-ass mimosas.

politically incorrect


If this is as good as it gets when you’re brain dead, y’all have my permission to just freakin’ shoot me dead. I’d rather not spend my ENTIRE LIFE with my mouth hanging open like the idiot I am. Posted by Hello

what??

Today our twentysomething male warehouse assistant held up a ZipLock bag (gallon size) full of some kind of cooked meat and said: “Hey Karen, look what I gots for lunch.” I’m not exactly sure how I was supposd to respond to that. Perhaps, “Wow dude, that sure is a big bag of cooked animal flesh. You must be terribly proud.” Really, is there a correct response to that?

Financeostasis

Homeostasis is the property of an open system, especially living organisms, to regulate its internal environment so as to maintain a stable condition, by means of multiple dynamic equilibrium adjustments controlled by interrelated regulation mechanisms.

Financeostasis – the property of a person’s financial system to regulate its various bank accounts so as to maintain a constant debtor condition by means of multiple crises controlled by interrelated karmic mechanisms.

This has come to be known in my household as Karen’s First Law of Financial Equilibrium which states: “A set level of indebtedness must exist at all times. Thus, if the organism attempts to decrease debt levels, a crisis (or series of crises) will develop to bring the debt back to its former level.

This can be illustrated with the following Word Problem:
Ms. X’s Credit card debt is $2000. Ms.X receives a $2000 IRS refund which she uses to pay the credit card debt. What will occur next?

A. Ms. X will SAVE the money she previously used to pay credit card charges each month and in 1 year has $2000.00 in her savings account.

B. Ms. X is able to donate $150.00 per month to charity.

C. Ms. X experiences a number of household emergencies that magically add up to $2000 and must be charged on a credit card.

If you answered A or B, you are stupid. Those things never happen.

Will somebody PLEASE explain this to me???

Here are some things I don’t get.

1. What does steroird use by baseball players have to do with Congress? Why the hell are our elected representatives channeling Barbara Walters and making Mark McGuire cry on camera by asking him personal questions? You’d think that sports figures were personally responsible for affecting our GNP. Oops, I guess they are!

2. Why, oh why, is Molly Hatchet one of the top 5 “Search Movers” on MSN. Are they even still together, and if so, why would they EVER generate enough interest NATIONWIDE to hit in the top 5 search movers?

3. Why does ABC have a new show about the trials and tribulations of a BLIND POLICEMAN? Since when have blind people been eligible to be cops anyway? Isn’t that an occupation where being able to see would be kind of, oh let’s see, essential to doing the job??? And do we really want a blind policeman driving around in a Crown Victoria WITH A LOADED GUN, pissed off because somebody shot his eyes out? I think this is a really dumb idea.

toxic produce

Fast food salads, I have discovered, are really pretty good. The problem is that they load them with those new kind of grape tomatoes – looks like a grape but it’s red and it’s really a tomato – and about 50% of the time they’re rotten. So you’re really chowing down and all of a sudden you bite down on one of these rotten fuckers and it’s like you just bit into the contents of an entire garbage dump. Then what do you do? Do you go ahead and swallow real fast just to get the taste OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? Or do you spit it out? And if you decide to spit it out, you’re frantically looking around for a napkin or something and in the meantime this rotten/garbage dump-tasting thing is in your mouth and your’re about to puke. You really have to watch out for those things.