(I totally ripped this idea off from The New Yorker, but of course made it funnier)
My Living Will
1. If I am rendered unconscious (due to blow to the head, excessive alcohol consumption, or otherwise), I would like ice cream when I wake up.
2. If I stop responding to ticklish sitmuli you know I’m really sick.
3. If I stop responding to jabs with needles or sharp sticks, you may refer to me as “One Tough Bitch.”
4. Even though I may appear to be unresponsive, I can still hear you talking about me.
5. I will be taking mental notes as to who came to visit and who talked smack about me.
6. If there is any question as to whether I am actually in a persistent vegetative state, you may consult a Ouija board ora Magic 8 Ball.
7. If the doctors declare that I am in a persistent vegetative state, you may not – under any circumstances – do the following:
a. Dress me up in a leopard-print getup and float Micky Mouse balloons around my bed in an attempt to prove I’m not gorked out.
b. Place any kind of stuffed animal in my room.
c. Ask President Bush to intervene on my behalf. I WILL come back to haunt your asses.
8. If the doctors declare that I am in a persistent vegetative state, you must do the following:
a. Make sure I have plenty of narcotic pain relievers, just in case I’m feeling ANY pain.
b. Refer to me as Princess Karen or Your Highness
c. Continue to give me gifts
9. You may “end my pain” in the following ways:
a. OD on previously mentioned narcotic pain relievers (preferred)
b. Karate “Death Blow” to side of neck
c. Pillow held over the head (Soft! Painless!)
d. Continuous showing of videotapes of “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”
10. I would like to have my death declared by Donald Trump, stating “You’re fired”
11. After my death, a family conclave will be held to determine the dispensation of my effects. The public will be notified of the results by the following smoke colors coming from the old stove flue:
a. Pink: All “girly” stuff has found a home
b. Blue: Family infighting over who gets the Ford Focus and
BRAND NEW weed wacker
c. Purple: Cats declare their intent to sue for sole possession of the electric cat box (like anybody cares)
d. Yellow: Threat level elevated
e. Black: Family members not speaking to
f. White: Unanimous decision to just “sell all of this crappy shit”