Lease agreement for the rental house across the street from me:
Renter agrees to own at least one car with a defective muffler at all times
Renter must have variety of unstable personal relationships, and
Renter must periodically get into loud drunken arguments in the front yard, in the middle of the night. Renter will get one free month’s rent if police are called.
Renter must display one or more of the following items on the front porch:
1. BBQ Grill
2. Dead plants
3. Broken chairs or other broken furniture
4. Refrigerator and/or freezer
5. Bags of trash
Renter agrees to not own a lawnmower or to mow the lawn more often than once a month
Renter agrees not to use garbage cans. All trash bags should be placed on front porch until trash day.
Renter agrees to park all vehicles on the street, and not in the driveway
Renter must only use driveway for stacking excess bags of trash and old tires.
Renter agrees to own at least one dog that has a barking and/or attacking and/or intestinal problem.
Do not get friendly with the neighbors. Your landlords haven’t and you don’t want to start a trend.
Note: Neighbor across the street is a light sleeper. When she asks you to please be quiet at 2am, the correct response is to yell “Hey, fuck you, lady.”