Oprah Letter #3

Dear Oprah,

As your doorman has probably told you by now, I was in Chicago over the weekend. Our local chapter of Large Lovers had traveled up to The Windy City to attend the Taste of Chicago festival, but imagine our surprise when we found out that the festival wasn’t until next weekend. Talk about a SNAFU! All was not lost however, and we all spent the weekend shopping and, of course, eating at some of the restaurants in your fine city. Wow, it’s really true what they say about the Italian Beef sandwich isn’t it?? In fact, the KC chapter of Large Lovers voted the Italian Beef sandwich as Best Food in Chicago! We also held a vote to revoke our president, George Blutowski’s, membership in KC Large Lovers because he was the idiot who planned this entire excusion on the wrong weekend. Nobody liked George much anyway because he was always calling the women “hot mamas” and saying things to us like “Ummm, looks tasty.” Creepy.

On Sunday I took a side trip by myself and visited your condo building. Wow, talk about swank! Is it true that you really live on the entire top floor??? Gosh, I’ll bet you hope the elevator never breaks down! Anyway, since you haven’t responded to my 6 previous letters, I really, really wanted to talk to you personally about my wildest dream of having stomach stapling surgery and thought it would help if you could see me in person and hear my story, so you would know and understand the pain I live with every day. I was going to tell you about the terribly cruel boys who live in my neighborhood, and their latest prank of putting donuts in my mailbox and how one of the jelly donuts leaked and totally ruined my June copy of Oprah magazine. Unfortunately, I didn’t get that chance.

When I first got to your condo, I thought I would just wait across the street and see if you came out, but I got tired of people staring at me and my sign that said “Please Oprah, Grant Me My Wildest Dream!”. When they started laughing and pointing I decided to just go over to your building and ask the doorman if he could please ring your bell and ask if you would talk to me. I have to tell you, Oprah, he was PRETTY RUDE and it was REALLY disappointing when he called the police. As they were escorting me out of the building, I made the doorman promise to tell you that I had come by, and he said “Oh, don’t worry, lady, I’ll tell her alright,” Later I found out that you weren’t even in Chicago last weekend so I don’t know why he got so bent out of shape.

Anyway, I’m enjoying the reruns this summer. I especially like how you combine parts of two different shows to make one new show – kind of like reruns without the rerun! Oprah, this is exactly why I admire you so much! I have to go now – it’s time for me to leave to go to my Large Lovers meeting. This week we’re going to The Cheesecake Factory. Yum!

Your friend,

K

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