Well now. That last post was a real downer, eh? You’ll all be happy to know that the doctor has put me back on mood-enhancing drugs, so I’ll soon be back to my former perky self. Yeah, I had become so depressed I was seriously contemplating going to see Batman Begins or Return of the Sith (Cyst? Syph?…whatever).
In the meantime, my worst nightmare walked into the office the other day – a midget. I have an irrational dislike for midgets and dwarves. And if itty bitty fairies and sprites and gnomes and trolls were real, I’d dislike them too.
Most people find midgets “cute” and “adorable” but I don’t. I don’t like their stumpy little fingers and legs. I find their large heads disturbing and freakish.
People often comment to me “it’s ironic you hate midgets, you know – cause you’re short.” I don’t really find that comment funny OK? Besides, I don’t ever say I hate midgets. Hate is an emotion that I save for certain members of the Republican party. I merely dislike and despise midgets, not hate them. I’d like to clear that up right now.
The problem with this particular midget, besides his midget-ness, was the fact that he was also a salesman, another species I loathe. This made him a f***ing annoying midget. The only thing I can imagine worse than a plain salesman midget would be a clown midget. If I ever saw a clown midget I think I would immediately lapse into a psychotic state requiring long-term inpatient care, and possibly 4-point restraints. I don’t think my new happy pills would be enough for such a horrifying encounter.
The salesman midget today offered to give me a hug: “How about a hug from a midget?” he said. I looked down on him, from my entire 60″ height, and said, “Don’t even go there buddy.” I think it was cool the way I kept the quiver of fear out of my voice and resisted the urge to slap the midget smirk off his large frying-pan-like face. Later, while reflecting on the reason why a midget would offer to hug a strange woman, I concluded that this is just the kind of man that’s attracted to me these days. When I was young, it used to be hot young guys with long, luxurious hair, but it seems nowadays the young guys just want women their own age. Damn. It’s hell getting old.