dear oprah #5

Congratulations on the beginning of your 20th season!!!! I called in sick on Monday just so I could stay home and prepare for your show – you know, lay in some Krispy Kremes and buttermilk, and iron my favorite comfy mumu to wear while I watched. Your interview with Jennifer Aniston ROCKED but don’t you think she was lying about being “so over” her marriage with Brad? I mean, come on, it’s only been a few months since the breakup and we’re talking about Brad Pitt here – Mr Handsome himself. I personally don’t know how she keeps from crying herself to sleep every night knowing she screwed up her fantasy marriage to a stud like Brad.

But the best part of your show is when you talked about the horrible racial insult you suffered at Hermes last summer. It was a nice touch to have the U.S. president of the company on your show to apologize publicly to you, but don’t you think he was a little less than sincere??? Eurotrash – that’s what I think of him and the rest of the Hermes company! I’ve given this a lot of thought and decided that I will NEVER buy anything from Hermes – that is, if I ever get enough money to shop there. Ha! Ha!

You know, Oprah, it sounds like your friend Gayle was really the one who started screaming at the store employees that day. Are you absolutely sure she’s the right friend for you? Because you know, I think she’s kind of creepy. I didn’t want to mention this, but I think I saw her at the coyote Ugly bar in Austin last summer when my Large Lovers group went to Texas for a barbecue festival. There was this really drunk woman who looked SO MUCH like Gayle, and she was up on the bar dancing and taking her shirt off. And then this man came up and made her get down and put her shirt back on, and then he hustled her out the door – really fast. Come to think of it, he looked sort of like Steadman but I’m not exactly sure cause our group was there for the Pina Colada specials and free appetizers and we were pretty intoxicated by that time. Also, Big Bernie kept blocking my view. Thanks alot, Bernie.

Speaking of Large Lovers; Sharla, this really nice woman in my group wanted me to write you about her wildest dream of meeting Josh Groban. She’s pretty pissed that you already gave Josh Groban away to Gayle King for HER wildest dream last year, but really Oprah, don’t you think that’s a little unfair? Gayle King probably has at least one of her wildest dreams granted every single week, being your best friend and all. See, this is what I’m trying to tell you: I think Gayle King takes advantage of you and pretends to be your best friend so she can get her hands on your money and the other good stuff you have. She probably gets free samples of all your Favorite Things too.
Think about it.

Have a great season!!!!

K

PS: I still would like to respectfully request that you grant my Wildest Dream of having stomach-stapling surgery. I would really appreciate it.

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