why i could never be a scientologist

I am incapable of giving birth silently and drug-free (see Quit yellin’, it’s only childbirth)

Y’all might notice that I only have one child; the reason being that I, unlike all the other females on the planet, have never forgotten the horrific, horrible pain of childbirth. I screamed for damn near 15 hours before I gave up the ridiculous notion of “drug-free labor” and begged for the epidural that should be the God-given right of every woman about to give birth. I hold myself personally responsible for my ex-sister-in-law having never had children of her own – I’m sure that witnessing the freak show of my labor put her off having children altogether.

Whoever came up with the concept of natural childbirth was a real sick-o, let me tell you. And then to guilt an entire generation of females into buying into that stupid idea was really twisted. When I attended LaMaze class in the 80s (yet another useless ploy to brainwash females into buying into the lie of natural childbirth), the epidural was presented to us as something you really didn’t want to do because “they stick a very large needle directly into your spine.” Big deal. As if that could possibly be more painful than labor. Of course, we were all rather guillable first-time parents who would believe anything anybody told us, so we all shook our heads in unison and said “oh no, we definately don’t want to have a needle stuck into our spines.” Oh the horror of it all! I’ll bet that 100% of us ended up happily medicated by the end of it all. I know that by hour 15, I was begging for the big needle in the spine just to end the nightmare of labor pains.

I’m personally happy for the young women today who don’t have to suffer the guilt of wanting an epidural. Poor Katie. Not only will she not get an epidural, but she won’t even be able to vocalize the extent to which the pain of labor has thrust her into the bowels of Hell. All I can say is “Have fun pushing a bowling ball out of your teeny tiny little body without screaming, Katie dear.” Enjoy your trip, Sucka.

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