the barbara walters special

Headline: Barbara Walters names herself as Most Fascinating Person of 2005.

After a review of the list of people she’ll be interviewing tonight, here’s why Barbara considers herself a lot more interesting than these yahoos. I think you’ll agree with me that Barbara’s obviously scraping the bottom of the barrel with these people:

Dakota Fanning: Cute kid with a gummy kind of smile whose movie credits include Hide & Seek and Lilo & Stitch 2. Whoopee. Maybe she’ll be more fascinating after she actually grows up. Barbara should check her out in about 10 years.

Jamie Foxx: He starred in Ray in 2004, so what’s so gosh-darn fascinating about him now? Oh, the tabloids say he’s having an affair with Oprah. Hello… that’s icky, not fascinating.

Condi, Condi: Bush’s favorite Yes Man. Brown-nosing SO not fascinating.

Teri Hatcher: Again, Desperate Housewives is so 2004 and not fascinating this year.

Tom Mesereau: Michael Jackson’s lawyer. Again: Icky.

Lance Armstrong: Never liked the guy, myself. Plus, he’s engaged to the biggest skank pop star on the planet.

Beth Holloway-Twitty: No, not Conway Twitty’s daughter. She’s the mother of the missing Aruba-drunken-Senior-Trip-Girl, Natalee Holloway. Hey, Aruba’s an island. Guess where the body is? Stop digging.

Tom Cruise: Not just icky; Crazy-cult-guy icky.

Kayne West: Who the hell is he?

The ABC website makes it pretty obvious that the most interesting person is definitely going to be a female. Here are the choices you get to vote for on their PURELY UNSCIENTIFIC POLL:

Sandry Day O’Connor
Camilla Parker-Bowles
JK Rowling
Jennifer Aniston
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Martha Stewart
Angelina Jolie
Harriet Miers
Judith Miller

OK, two of these women have been in prison this year, two are half-baked actresses, one is another Bush ass-kisser, two are too smart to agree to being name Most Fascinating Person of 2005, and two aren’t even AMERICAN. That’s why it’s pretty obvious to me that Barbara will HAVE to name herself as the most fascinating person of 2005.

Or Katie Holmes.

Please not that.

Unfortunately,there’s a new episode of Nip/Tuck on tonight at the same time, and darn it, I haven’t gotten a DVR yet, so I’ll miss the special, but I know you’ll be watching.

Please, don’t let it be Katie Holmes.
Or Jennifer Aniston.

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