Letter to Oprah

Dear Oprah,

So. It looks like you’re no longer granting people their wildest dreams anymore since I haven’t seen anybody get a wildest dream granted at all this season. Not even your lame-ass so-called best friend Gayle King. Which means my wildest dream of having stomach stapling surgery will never be granted, which I bet you’re REAL happy about. You probably think I’m all pathetic and shit anyway; but in case you haven’t noticed, it looks like you’re totally putting some of that weight back on. You’re gettin’ a little chunky, honey. And just to give you something to think about, I’ve decided to go on a diet myself. Yup, that’s right chickie-poo. In a few short months, I’m going to look soooo much better than you – thanks to my own personal, super-secret weight loss plan. And then you’re going to be BEGGING me to tell you my secret, but I won’t. So take that, be-atch. Yo. So consider this my diet throw-down, which you have no way in hell of winning cause my secret diet plan is sooo going to kick your diet plan’s ass. My super-duper diet plan would so totally beat your weak diet in a knife fight, it’s not even funny. Your diet won’t even be able to lift its sorry-ass head off the Pilates mat to beg my diet plan for mercy, that’s how kick-ass my diet is.

So try not to cry, Oprah. I’ve ALREADY lost 5 pounds on my killer diet. Boo-yah!

K

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