Winter Olympics

Whew! The Winter Olympics are finally over and not a minute too soon! I’ve been spending the last 2 weeks trying out my latest weight-loss theory: That a person actually expends a significant number of calories simply by watching certain Olympic events. So, after spending much time watching numerous Olympic sports, and performing before and after weigh-ins, I have devised a list of the Winter Olympic sports in the order of caloric burn, going from Most Calories Burned by Watching to Least Calories Burned by Watching:

1) Short Track – Not only do you have to skate really really hard, but you have to do it in a pack of other people without falling down! REALLY HARD! I was out of breath just watching this one.

Really, really hard to do!

2) Speed Skating – Fast skating but you only have to stay out of one other person’s way. Again, out of breath.

3) Cross Country – This looks pretty hard to me. And they have to go a long way – mostly uphill! I’m exhausted just writing about it!

4) Figure Skating – Don’t let some guy tell you that figure skating “isn’t really a sport.” Hey, just being able to stand up straight on ice skates is pretty hard – so there.

5) Ice Dancing – See #4.
(Side note: The outfits are TOO GAUDY!! Someone really should tell them)

They all seem to love hot pink – but why??

6) Biathlon – OK, it’s got cross country skiing (see #3), but they get to rest for the shooting part (wussies).

7) All other skiing events (Downhill, Super G, Aerials, Snowboarding, Ski jumping, etc): Look. you’re on skis going DOWNHILL. How hard is that?

8) All Sledding Events (Bobsleigh, Luge, Skeleton). We’ve all been sledding – NOT A SPORT, in my opinion. The only real exercise involved in sledding is dragging your sled back uphill and I never ONCE saw any of the teams doing that. Again: Wussies.

Kids do this for fun, so why is it a sport?

9) Curling – Looks like the Senior Olympics to me. Not much effort here.

10) Hockey – Two words: Team Sport. I don’t watch ‘em. Ever. Therefore, zero calories burned.

There you have it, my friends. Don’t forget to tune in 2 years from now for the Summer Olympics, which are real sweatfests!

Remember, the more you sweat the harder you’re watching!


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