Luv your new bald look! Do you think I should shave my head also?
You must be livin’ on another planet, Curious. Did you not see Jack Nicholson at the Oscars??? He totally shaved his head just to copy ME. So if you want to be a COOL person, you’d better shave your head too.
My mom says you’re just trash. Is that true?
Dear True Fan,
This is what happens when you’re forced into child stardom like myself. I totally blame The New Mickey Mouse Club for all my current troubles. Justin Timberlake spiked my Kool-aid with Ecstasy on the set, then later took my virginity! I can’t prove it, but a girl knows what a girl knows – know what I mean? Now I have a “problem”relating to my own vagina. Oops, I just said vagina! See what a slut I’ve become? Your mother is right, True Fan. Damn you, Justin Timberlake!
Do you think K-Fed will get custody of Sean Preston and your other kid?
Dear Hates K-Fed,
If that backwoods, gold-digging, can’t dance worth a damn, can’t sing either, piece of shit, soon to be ex-husband thinks he can take my babies away from me, well – um… I forgot what I was gonna say. Oh yeah. If he thinks he can take baby Sean, and that other baby away from me, then he’s just as stupid as he looks. All he’s gonna have left of our life together is his stupid Nickelodeon award. Which he can sit around and look at all he wants now, since I won’t be around to laugh at him when he practices his posing in front of the mirror with it. He’s a loser and as soon as I get out of rehab, I’m gonna tell him that.
My little brother thinks you’re hot! Is that true?
Dear Big Sis,
I used to be hot, but mama always told me when I was growing up down in the swamps of Louisiana, “Britney Jean, if you’re hot, just shave your hoohoo.” So I did! And gee whiz, I’m ain’t hot no more!
Is that what you meant? It’s not?
Oh. Never mind.
You’re always riding around in a limo, which looks really cool! Is it?
I wish I could say that it is, but the truth is that I long for a normal life away from the spotlight. My every foray into public is a nightmare of flashing lights and pushy papparazzi. Even the safety of a limo is no protection for a star like me and my friends Paris and Lindsay, who also long for a quiet evening out at the most prestigious discos once in awhile. But we are stalked! Like wildlife in Africa! By poachers! My every move and leg-uncrossing is photographed and posted on the internet! It’s enough to make a girl want to reserve an entire wing of an upscale rehab facility and wait for her hair to grow back…