Miniturized Bin Laden found in Cheney’s leg
A report rleased by George Washington University Hospital reveals that the “blood clot” discovered in Vice President’s lower left leg two weeks ago is actually a miniaturized Osama Bin Laden. It is unknown how or when the teeny tiny Bin Laden was able to infiltrate Cheney’s circulatory system, but doctors speculate that it could have occurred during his latest visit to Afghanistan when he narrowly missed assassination during a suicide bomber attack. There had reportedly been mass confusion immediately after the attack, which may have been the window of opportunity needed to quickly inject the miniaturized Bin Laden into Cheney’s lower leg without detection.
The ultrasound apparently first showed a sleeping Bin Laden, who apparently woke up when he became aware that he had been detected. He then began to indicate that he wanted to communicate with the medical team. When the teeny tiny microphones were placed on the area, Bin Laden was heard cackling like a wild man, stating that he was planning an attack inside the Vice President, “more catastrophic than 9/11.”
A surgical team has been rapidly assembled to assess the Vice President’s health status but it is not clear just how much internal damage a 5-mm terrorist could actually do. Cheney’s circulatory status is already so vastly compromised by his previous heart problems, that the team has decided to take a “wait and see” approach to the situation. Now nicknamed Min Laden, the tiny terrorist seems to only want to wage a war of words at this time and has been heard making referring to his host as “an insane little dwarf”, and that Cheney “will burn in the fiery pits of hell for giving birth to a man-girl” – an apparent reference to his lesbian daughter, Mary.
In the meantine, Cheney has been moved to a safe underground bunker where he is under constant surveillence behind explosion-proof glass. During an address to the medical team yesterday, General Michael Hayden, Director of the CIA, stated “It sounds like another suicide bombing, but on a much smaller scale. We’ve finally cornered Number One (referring to the FBI’s Most Wanted List) in the vicinity of Cheney’s left ankle. If we lose him now guys, we’ll never hear the end of it.”
President Bush immediately ordered Condoleeza Rice to “find out how to get one of them there shrinking machines,” and alluded that he’d be interested in shrinking “the whole gol’darn” 3rd Cavalry Division if it meant finally getting Bin Laden for good. An emergency session of Congress is scheduled to meet later today to draft a proposal to prevent any attempt by President Bush to wage war on the Vice President’s lower leg. “This president has been given a blank check to do whatever he wants to fulfill his blood lust long enough. We think an all-out attack on the Vice President’s leg would be ill-advised and further cast a pall on this administration and this country.” stated Joseph Biden, (D-Deleware).