food bits and mammograms

There’s nothing like spilling your lunch on the computer keyboard.  The only thing better than that is picking the food out from between the keys.  And the only thing better than that is doing the weekly compressed air thing with the keyboard and finding pieces of the current week’s breakfast AND lunch bits that have managed to make it all the way down to underneath the keys.  I spend 9 hours a day at my desk, and almost always consume two meals here – thus the food bit problem. 

Today’s topic was not supposed to be about food bits in my keyboard.  

Today’s topic is mammograms.   Fellas, feel free to leave the website now unless you just have a burning desire to hear my views on breast compression torture.

At age 45, my gyno started harping on me about doing a yearly mammogram and I figured, “Why not? How bad could it be?”  I don’t know about you, but those things freaking hurt.  Are they supposed to hurt?  According to every single website about mammograms, they’re only supposed to be “uncomfortable.” 

Bullshit.

I’m fairly well endowed, and applying 20 lbs of pressure to my breasts for any amount of time hurts like hell.  Last year, even after I took Motrin prior to the exam, I blacked out while it was being done.   I realize that the technicians are primarily at fault here.  They seem to believe that the procedure really isn’t painful.  It doesn’t seem to matter which facility I go to, it’s always the same for me – horrible pain.  

Well I’ve had it.  Even though I’m turning 50 in a few short weeks, I’m skipping the torture this year.     Playing with fate?  Hell, yeah.  

I’d like to see a guy go through a regular procedure like this every year.  They think a digital prostate exam is bad?  Ha!  I laugh in the face of the digital rectal exam.  That’s nothing, my manly friends.  Try this assortment of fun things every year:   

Pap smear:  Spread your legs and have your insides scraped with surgical steel

Rectal exam:  You already know what this involves.  Guess what?  Chicks get them too!

Mammogram:  Holy fucking squeeze torture.  Not one, but two breasts squeezed two different ways – horizontally AND vertically! 

I know the colonoscopy is the next thing they’ll be trying to push on me.  As long as I can be sedated, even a little bit, I’ll consider it.   You know, if they just offered nitrous oxide during the mammogram, it would be a lot more tolerable.  I would bet my entire life savings that if men had chick breasts, they’d have to be completed sedated for a mammogram.  Guaranteed.

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