I took a minute to mourn the passing of Kali Taurog, the freaky dancing avatar, as I deleted the account for her, then eagerly moved on to creating a more exciting character in Second Life – not unlike a fickle high school girl who dumps the president of the chess club for someone less socially embarrassing. My new name was now Jezebel Boucher. Jezebel Boucher. A great, slutty southern name, which I hoped would inspire thoughts of flowing dresses, mint juleps and Bette Davis feistiness. Now, if only my avatar could smoke…
This time I vow that Jezebel Boucher will distinguish herself from Kali Taurog by following 3 simple rules.
Rule #1: Be more fun!
Rule #2: Be more outgoing!
Rule #3: Be chattier!
I had no idea what a difference a name could make. Right off the bat, on Orientation Island, two female avatars approached me, crowding into what I would consider my personal space, which kind of pissed me off, forcing me to break both rules #1 and #2 right away.
“Hey Jez. What’s shakin’?”
“Yeah Jez. What cha doin? Huh, Huh?”
“What are you, stuck up or something?”
Wanting for all the world to yell “Nappy Headed Hos!” as I ran away, I decided the political climate was too explosive for that. “Bugger off.” I replied, totally abandoning my Southern charm for British snobbery. These girls seemed just a tad too cheeky to me.
“Hey Jezzie, we’re sorry. We just wanted to know how to go somewhere different.”
Ah, an apology. That was much better.
“Well sugah, you’ll eventually get a pop-up window giving you options for different places to go.” I replied as I teleported off, feeling smug in my vast knowledge of Second Life protocol, and proud to have finally gotten the courage to chat.
My next stop was Freebie Island where I hoped to pick up something interesting for my avatar. And there it was, a place to get a free car. A free Indy Car! Score! As I’m looking over the car, kicking the tires and whatnot, a dragon avatar approached me. What is it about my personal space that people just can’t seem to stay out of it? This dragon-thing kept sneaking up on me and following me, kind of like when my ex-husband turned stalker after we separated. Creepy.
“Uh, what are you anyway?” I asked
“A Dragon!” it replied, seemingly proud of the fact.
“Hmmm.” It was the only thing I could think of saying to a dragon stalker at the time.
At that point, the Dragon guy gets into a car and starts stalking me on wheels. What the fuck? Abandoning the free cars, I fly away to another part of the island, hoping to give the dragon the slip. But before I know it, here comes he comes again, driving his car right towards me, smack into my avatar. If this had been real life, he would have smashed poor Jezebel like a cartoon character run over by a steam roller. What nerve! It appears that EVERYONE in Second Life has the finesse of George Bush about to liberate a soverign nation. I’m getting the hell out of here.
The next day is Sunday. Ken is at church, probably praying for my atheist, Second Life, southern gothic soul. Me? I’m signing on to 2nd Life to visit the one of the XXX rated rooms. For research purposes only. Swear.
I’ve always had a real-life hankerin’ to do something this perverse, but having no guts to do it live, I figure Second Life will have to do. Besides, it fits in with Rule #2, to be More Outgoing! I pop into Rocco’s Room! for some XXX Action!
As I shake off the fog of recent teleportation through space and time, the first thing I notice in Rocco’s Room is that there are a lot of naked avatars. Hmmm, apparently I’m not the only one doing some blog research on a Sunday morning. The next thing I notice is that some of the male avatars are sporting giant, erect penises. I know these things aren’t part of the free, standard equipment in Second Life, which leads me to the conclusion that these penises were purchased. Imagine. Someone actually spent money to deck their naked avatar out with a large, erect, cartoon penis. Me? I’m satisfied with my new syiphlike body. Who needs bigger tits when you’ve got great legs?
Rocco’s Place is thick with places where an avatar can strike a sexual pose for simulated sex action. Females sit here. Males sit here. Instant fucking. It’s totally weird, especially with the sound effects:
“Oh, oh, give it to me baby. Oh, yes, yes.” I’m half expecting Rick James to show up any minute with some coke and an entourage.
Amazingly, everyone is too busy having virtual sex to chat. After admiring the spanking bench and the various cages and restraining devices, and watching two guys get it on, I’ve had enough. In fact, I feel like taking a shower and going to church.
My foray into Second Life is over, at least for now. I haven’t actually deleted my account yet, so if you happen to run into Jezebel Boucher, be nice. And don’t expect her to follow you to a XXX rated orgy room. She’s really not that kind of girl. Really.