you know you’re a redneck when…

You know you’re at a redneck wedding when:

1.  One of the bridesmaids comes down the aisle in a tasteful, strapless gown showing her red devil tattoo on her right shoulder with the words “HOTTIE” under it.

2.  The bride’s daddy tells his favorite frog giggin’ story about his daughter during his toast.

3.  The main attraction at the reception is the beer keg in the corner.

4.  The wedding dinner featured a cheesy hash brown casserole.

5.  Most of the guests wore shorts and t shirts to the church.

Otherwise, it was a pretty good time.  The wedding was for one of my employees, and judging from the $30 invitations alone, one would have thought it was going to be a dress-up gala affair. 

Not entirely so. 

I went to the wedding with my boss & his wife and one of our other managers and his wife.  We had gotten together at my house beforehand to have cocktails, tastefully dressed, and got a mild buzz on before we all went to the church where we immediately felt overdressed.  It was an odd juxtaposition – the wedding party was beautifully decked out (in spite of said Devil/Hottie tattoo), the bride’s mother was as stunning as her daughter.  You could tell the bride has wonderful, if not expensive, taste.  But the guests were pure Midwestern good ol’ boys and girls whose idea of dress-up is to put on a clean, non-wrinkeld shirt and some new flip flops.  In all fairness, however, one thing you can say about folks here in the heartland is that we’re pretty genuine and unpretentious.  What you see is what you get.

Since we started out at my house drinking pre-mixed mojitos, and since the only apparent liquor at the reception was a keg of beer, it was suggested by my friend Leslie that we drive the mile back to my house to grab the remainder of the 1/2 gallon of mojitos, a ziplock bag of ice, shove it all into a gift bag and bring it back to our table.  Which we did of course. 

The combination of Leslie, myself and my boss’s wife was like the perfect storm of female outrageousness.  Leslie, especially, is like a one woman stand-up comedy show – complete with several unique characters and extremely sarcastic one-liners.  J and I provide the set-up lines and our own asides.  Give us a few drinks, we’re pretty much the life of the party.  Or at least the life of the table.  If nothing else, it gave the other invited employees a chance to see the whole other side of management.

We killed the bottle of mojitos around 9pm, and after watching certain members of the wedding party do some really horrible break dancing, our table went home, leaving the young folks to their rap music and new country. 

I left hoping that Hottie found someone nice to go home with – preferably someone with a clean tshirt and new flip flops. 


4 Responses to “you know you’re a redneck when…”

  1. 1 Blue Athena May 14, 2007 at 4:52 pm

    Oh my god, I think I went to that wedding! OK, it was 15 years ago in Eastern Oregon. But I’m sure it was that wedding. Minus the “frog giggin’ story”. I think I’m glad I don’t know what that is. Yet I have to ask…

  2. 2 observantbystander May 14, 2007 at 7:59 pm

    I can speak from limited experience on frog gigging – you go out on your pond in a boat at night, when the frogs are active and singing for mates. One person shines the flashlight on the frog and the other person spears them with the gig. Then you cook yourself up and mess of frog legs. Tastes like chicken, but I personally prefer the cheesy hash brown casserole.

  3. 3 Blue Athena May 15, 2007 at 4:09 pm

    Oh my god, that’s freakier than I imagined. Is this considered a normal activity out there? Why haven’t I seen this on 20/20 or something?

  4. 4 observantbystander May 15, 2007 at 6:29 pm

    Ah. purely normal and common, especially in the South – but don’t despair, there are still SOME of us who prefer the more refined aspects of the midwest culture. I think frogging is an activity done in most rural places in the US.

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