10 rules for the dog

  1. You will be issued one (1) Beggin’ Strip per day.  Just because the word Beggin’ is used in the name, that does not mean you will get one every time you look longingly at the package and wag your stumpy little tail.
  2. People walking on the sidewalk in front of our house are not necessarily out to get us.  It is unnecessary to whine, cry, and pace back and forth from the couch to the door in an attempt to get me to haul my lazy ass out of my comfortable TV watching position to let you out just so you can put the fear of God into innocent citizens out for a leisurely walk.  That’s what we have Ken for.
  3. Keep in mind that the stairs are not your personal racetrack.  Trying to beat me on the stairs is not the point here and if you haven’t noticed, your owner frequently uses the words “God DAMN it Coco” when you unexpectedly dart under her feet while pretending you’re doing a qualifying lap at Talladega.
  4. Tink the cat is your friend, but that does not mean he enjoys having his rear sniffed every time you see him.  Cats do not partake in such base behavior, so try to show some decorum and he’ll respect you more.  Maybe.
  5. Spook the cat is not your enemy.  Yes, she’s unfriendly and believe it or not you’re not the only one she hisses at regularly.  Remember, she’s old and won’t be around much longer.  In the meantime please try not to chase her, or lie in wait for her at the front door so you can freak her out.  Just ignore her and she won’t bother you.  And while you’re at it, could you explain all this to Tink?  Thanks, buddy.
  6. I do not enjoy having my nose licked.  I especially do not like having the inside of my nose licked, or my mouth licked, or any part of my face licked.  I know where your tongue has been all day long while I’m at work and that’s not what I’m into, OK?  Let’s try to get that straight from now on.
  7. The recliner where I write this blog is crowded enough with my own ass and my laptop.  There really is not enough room for both of us to sit in it comfortably, especially when you wedge yourself into the 2.75 inches of open space left.  Other dogs seem to enjoy lying at their owner’s feet.  Give it a shot.
  8. I hate to break it to you, but it’s very likely that you will never actually succeed in catching any of the squirrels in the yard.  However, you do a dandy job of scaring the shit out of them.  Keep it up.
  9. It’s true that you were here first and had me all to yourself before Ken moved in.  But you see, I like Ken.  I really really like him.  We’re what humans call “a couple” and that means we like to be close together.    So when we sit together on the couch or go to bed at night, it’s not cool to ALWAYS want to lie down between us.   Isn’t squeezing yourself into the recliner with me enough?
  10. My chicken dinner belongs to me, understand?  Yes, I know I mistakenly took pity on you a few times and fed you from my plate but that doesn’t mean it was the correct thing to do.  See?  I can admit my mistakes.  The string of drool that runs from your mouth and puddles on the floor next to your front paws isn’t going to change my mind today.  Maybe tomorrow.  Definitely not today.

I know this probably seem like a lot to take in, but with a little practice I know you can handle it, buddy.  There just might be an extra Beggin’ Strip in it for you if you do. 


11 Responses to “10 rules for the dog”

  1. 1 Blue Athena June 18, 2007 at 7:59 pm

    That was too cute. I can’t believe he tries to get into a recliner with you…how big is this dog?

  2. 2 writerchick June 18, 2007 at 8:09 pm

    Oh my Gawd, that’s hilarious. And do you know my dog too? She must be related to yours. I mean, really. Thanks for the laugh, I sure needed one.

  3. 3 observantbystander June 19, 2007 at 5:44 am

    Blue: The dog is really not very big, even though he thinks he can totally kick the German Shepherd’s ass next door (only in his dreams). Terrier-size, likes to sit on my lap when I drive.

    WC: Glad to provide a laugh for you – I know you needed one this week after the “fun” you had last week at work.

  4. 4 poseidonsmuse June 19, 2007 at 7:31 am

    LOL!!!! My abs hurt from laughing so hard….LOL (and I’m still laughing). Your “little man” sounds like he has a BIG PERSONALITY – we call it SDS (Small Dog Syndrome!) over here!!! I can vouch for you – I have a hound and she is the laziest, most entitled creature alive (and she knows that she has us wrapped around her little paw…). Thanks for the smile. Your writing is always so clever…

  5. 5 Simonne June 19, 2007 at 7:37 am

    Hilarious! Love 4 and 7! Thanks for the laugh!

  6. 6 observantbystander June 19, 2007 at 8:04 am

    SDS sounds suspiciously like SPS (small penis syndrome) to me…
    I’m glad I could bring a smile to your day!

  7. 7 newscoma June 19, 2007 at 8:10 am

    God, your dog sounds like my dog.

  8. 8 prisonmike June 19, 2007 at 11:24 am

    Do you know why dogs bark/whine when people/dogs are walking by the front window? They’re defending their turf and shooing away intruders.
    Do you know why they keep doing it day after day? It works! Coco barks, the person/dogs leaves. Cause and effect.
    Bruiser does this every day, several times per.

    Andi made an ATC recently with a pic of Bruiser and one of the best quotes I ever heard – “Dogs aren’t our whole world, but they make our world whole.”

    Heads up sister friend – Office marathon Thu. night.

  9. 9 observantbystander June 19, 2007 at 12:00 pm

    I should be glad he wants to rip their heads off, cause you never know, crazy people could just walk in the door like the one who walked into the house 2 years ago. Not that Coco barked at him. Oh, no. He WAGGED HIS TAIL.

    Yeah Office Marathon!

  10. 10 Anastacia Campbell June 21, 2007 at 9:10 pm

    I love that you posted this to Indie Bloggers and I wanted to stop by and read it again on your own blog and thank you for submitting. 🙂 For all the hell they give us, dogs really are the best. Anyway, thanks again. I’m looking forward to more!!


  11. 11 observantbystander June 22, 2007 at 6:37 am

    Yeah – I finally got published on IndieBloggers!

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