Fashion don’ts

I reached a personal fashion low today.  Really, it was something to behold and instead of feeling bad about it, I’ve worked really hard on trying to muster up a bitchy sense of pride regarding the get-up I dressed myself in this morning.  For starters, I wore a most unflattering pair of capri pants.  Not that capri pants are exactly flattering on a 5 foot nothing stocky frame, but these particular pants pretty much violate every fashion rule there is for my body type.  If that wasn’t bad enough, I paired the pants with a new pullover shirt that is not only too big, but has a trendy crinkly/wrinkly finish (Tag instructions:  do not iron!).   It was not a pretty sight, and I knew this when I looked in the mirror after getting dressed this morning.  I could have changed my clothes, and in retrospect, the shirt should have been the article of clothing to abandon and replace, but I had already made this outfit choice in my head last night and felt some crazy compulsion to carry it through.  Last night when I had a pulsing migraine and wasn’t exactly in my right mind.  Obviously I hadn’t gotten my senses back this morning either because I kept trying to make the shirt work even though I was already late for work. 

Hmm, maybe if I tucked it in.  Nope, looks worse. 
Well, maybe if I put a scarf around my waist.  Are you kidding? 
Oh fuck it, it doesn’t look that bad.  Yes it does, but we’re going to pretend it doesn’t because we’re late for work dumbshit.

Now, pretty much all of you know that I work with a bunch of men, and that guys generally don’t notice what women are wearing unless there’s not much of it.  As in if the woman’s practically naked and she has a really great body.  So, my fashion choices normally don’t hit their radar screens, but I still like to look halfway decent at work just because it makes me feel good.  Today I felt really stooopid.  This had to be the worst, most unflattering outfit I’ve ever worn outside of the privacy of my own home.  Ever.  And I felt compelled to bring this to everyone’s attention.

You know, I really hate my outfit today. I know I must look like shit.
Oh.  Well, I guess you might have ironed your shirt.
It’s supposed to look like this. It’s crinkle fabric.
Oh. It just looks really wrinkled.

Later, Ken came out to my office and surprised me at lunch.
God, I look like shit today
Well, you’ve looked better. Why didn’t you iron your shirt?
It’s fucking crinkle fabric!  It’s supposed to look like this!

I spent most of the day holed up in my office, only venturing out to for cigarette and bathroom breaks.  When it was time to leave, I was grateful to be going home so I could immediately rip this ghastly clothing choice off my body.  As I was walking to my car, I waved goodbye to a couple of employees out in the parking lot. 

Bye! God, I look like shit today!
Well, your shirt’s kind of wrinkled but otherwise you look fine!
It’s supposed to…..oh never mind.

The shirt hangs in the back of the closet now, never to be worn outside of the house again.  It will make a great lounging shirt, paired up with my equally unflattering lounging pants.  And the next time I look into the mirror and recoil in horror, I won’t try to convince myself that nobody will notice.  Because even if they don’t, I’ll bring it to their attention. 


14 Responses to “Fashion don’ts”

  1. 1 writerchick July 2, 2007 at 7:50 pm

    OH Gawd, you cwack me up! I do the same sort of thing. I decide on an outfit the night before and I simply can’t change my mind in the morning. I think it might be oxygen deprivation to the brain – I simply need too much coffee to get the capillaries to open.

    And the “God, I look like shit today” mantra is chanted again and again.

    Thanks for the big belly laugh. 😉

  2. 2 observantbystander July 2, 2007 at 7:56 pm

    WC: Glad you liked it! I decided that the old credo “what makes you cry can also make you laugh” needed to be heeded today.

  3. 3 You Know who July 2, 2007 at 8:00 pm

    I really did know that the blouse was supposed to look like that. Just wanted to give you a hard time. K

  4. 4 criminyjicket July 2, 2007 at 8:42 pm

    this was hilarious…i can just about see the look on the guys face when he says “ooooOkay….great post

  5. 5 V- July 2, 2007 at 9:28 pm

    Of course Ken stopped by to surprise you and take you to lunch. It’s newton’s law. It’s a proven fact that if you are out of milk on a random sunday morning, and decided to forego the shower,the makeup and just throw on some ratty old sweats and run into the store – you will without a doubt run into the high school sweetheart that you haven’t seen in over 20 years…trust me on this one.

  6. 6 Deb July 3, 2007 at 4:51 am

    This cracked me up! It is also why I pretty much wear the same outfit every day. Different shirt, same look. I have to wear about 3 layers (inside, even in the summer, with a lap blanket) to stay warm anyway, so what I really need is a larger selection of the top layer to give the impression that I’m not wearing the same thing all the time. but eh. I hate shopping. I am a computer programmer, so it isn’t like anyone is expecting much of me! 😀

    Now that you mention guys not noticing what women wear, I pretty much depend on exactly that with my own lack of style. And that’s a good thing. I couldn’t be expected to pick out an outfit at night, in the morning, and even a professional dresser couldn’t dredge an outfit out of my closet. I’m the person who always wonders whether rules have changed enough yet for me to wear jeans to weddings. Luckily I don’t have many weddings to go to.

    Oh, I’m five foot and (almost) nothing too! I’m never sure – is it more or less pathetic to claim the extra half inch?

  7. 7 observantbystander July 3, 2007 at 5:52 am

    Ken-FINALLY you stop by and leave a trace of your wanderings! Lurker no more!

    CriminiyJ: Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I love the feedback.

    V: I’ll beware of that one. Knowing my luck it will happen eventually, and when I’m least prepared. My first HS boyfriend works at an artist’s supply house in Westport. I’m always afraid I’ll run into him down there, although I’m not sure we’d recognize each other.

    Deb: It’s perfectly legit to claim the 1/2 inch. I used to, but there’s a certain cachet to cutting it off at the 5’0 mark, don’t you think? Ah, I used to be cold all the time too. Now that I’m 50, well… you know the story.

  8. 8 Simonne July 3, 2007 at 7:10 am

    Oh my, but you crack me up!! We’ve ALL done this at some point!I’m five-foot-and-an-insignificant-bit too – maybe we should start a club?

  9. 9 poseidonsmuse July 3, 2007 at 9:01 am

    Lol!!!!! And even more LOL…Wow! That was another leg smacking belly laugh from me…Phew! Nice of “You Know Who” to drop by too by the way (“Hi Ken!!!!!!”). Gosh. I hate days like that – I mean, your whole day can literally be ruined with one poor choice in clothing, can’t it? Well, I guess there is something positive about “wardrobe malfunctions” – even though they are a pain in the ass, they make for some great blogging material!!!

  10. 10 Deb July 3, 2007 at 9:19 am

    Simonne, we should definitely start a club! The Five Nothing Women Roaring club? 😀

    and OB, yeah, I think there is something to be said about the 5′ nothing cachet! That is my secret reason (along with laziness) for generally only claiming my first 60 vertical inches.

  11. 11 observantbystander July 3, 2007 at 10:52 am

    Simonne/PM/Deb: The Five Foot Nothings it is! Yeah, claiming that last 1/2 inch just looks like you’re not happy with the full 60 inches. And we are…aren’t we??? If not, we learn to be!

  12. 12 mojitomojo July 3, 2007 at 7:20 pm

    Teehee – that was too funny. I think we’ve all worn something we’ve later regretted and felt dorky about. I would have done that too – pointed myself out like that. ;D

  13. 13 observantbystander July 3, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    Mojito: Love the name/love mojitos! Thanks for stopping by and joining our little club. It’s good to know there are others out there who do dorky stuff, too.

  14. 14 Simonne July 3, 2007 at 9:58 pm

    Yeah! The Five Nothing club is official! … Now what do we do?

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