Another nail for my heart

Muse’s post yesterday about favorite summer songs stirred up a lot of old memories for me, and I promised her a story about The Boys of Summer, but I’m not ready to write abou that yet as I’m still sorting some things out there.  But today I heard Another Nail for my Heart by Squeeze and it got me to thinking about the summer of 1980 and a certain young man I had a mostly physical relationship with off and on for several years, starting in 1980.  He was my college anatomy & physiology lab instructor (how’s that for kismet?) and the attraction was both immediate and intense.  We were both in other relationships at the time – he with the woman would he would eventually marry and father 3 children with many, many years later, and I with my 2nd husband.  We were both in “open” relationships (all the rage at the time) – which I do not recommend for a number of reasons that are not pertinent to this post, so I’ll not dwell on them here.  Suffice to say, we dated each other with the full knowledge and consent of our respective mates, but couldn’t very well go to each other’s home and say “oh by the way, we’re going to be having sex in the spare bedroom,” so we had a lot of sex in our cars.  This is something all of us have probably done at least a time or two, and it’s not usually the best situation, but I can attest that a lot of very good, toe-curling sex happened in backseats that summer. 

The soundtrack was Squeeze and The Cars and Elvis Costello and  Blondie.  It felt like the color crimson and tasted like a hot flame.  He was, at once, gentle and difficult, brilliant and obtuse, attentive and indifferent.  A maddening person – the type of man I found myself attracted to with a vengence, over and over throughout my life.  I loved him and hated him, but mostly I loved the elusiveness of him and the push/pull of emotions he ruled me with. I attempted to stop my obsession with him in the fall, but it actually took many years for it to be completely over for us.  A chance encounter would lead to another several-week festival of physicality, then our paths would verge off again and we would lose contact again, sometimes for months or years.  Each time, it got easier to walk away and not look back. 

The last time I saw him, we met for lunch to say goodbye for the last time.  I was moving away and we both knew I wouldn’t contact him when I came back for visits.  I sat across the table from him, and while he talked nonstop about himself, I had a chance to really see him clearly for the first time in my life.  It was over for me.  It was finally over.  


10 Responses to “Another nail for my heart”

  1. 1 Simonne July 21, 2007 at 7:22 am

    Oh OB, how I adore being a woman, for so many reasons! I love love love that you’ve posted this directly after a post about your son’s birthday! THIS is truly being the goddess. The mother, the muse, the lover, the seductress, the wife, the authentic, powerful being who can walk away; it’s all there.
    So there you were in 1980 having open relationships while I was 13 and still never been kissed! How spine tinglingly titilating of you! I bet you’re so glad to have had that experience(s) and to have now finished with that part of your life. I look back on some of my experiences in my 20s and can’t quite believe it, but oh how I will never rue those days!
    All hail to you, fabulous Goddess x

  2. 2 Simonne July 21, 2007 at 7:25 am

    OMG! I topped the state in my eng lit exams and went on to do an English degree, but maths was NEVER my forte – ahem – correction – I was not 13 in 1980, I was 7!!! (And DEFINITELY hadn’t been kissed!)

  3. 3 V- July 21, 2007 at 8:13 am

    The phrase “Bitter-sweet” surely originated from someone reminising over a “boys of summer” relationship. Simmone’s blog on gratitude had me thinking quite a bit about a few of my past affairs, with the attitude of gratitude they turned mostly sweet.

    Now I understand why you told me to keep mum to your mom about your blog…I on the other hand have told my mom about most of my affairs. I enjoy making her cringe..bad bad Venus. 🙂

  4. 4 observantbystander July 21, 2007 at 5:42 pm

    Sx: The late 70s and early 80s were a most wonderful time for sex w/o worry – or almost w/o worry. The young man in this story is the one who gave me HPV, which led to my cervical cancer and radical hysterectomy many years later. I have a tendency to want more that I can have from sexual liaisons, like love. It’s one of the reasons why I believe most women shouldn’t have open relationships. We don’t view sex like men, not should we. It’s the caregive in us that makes us need more than just the physical aspect.

    V: My mother knows next to nothing about my past life because, well you know how she is. Too sweet and innocent?

  5. 5 poseidonsmuse July 21, 2007 at 9:50 pm

    Wow…I feel as though I walked in on a very intimate conversation here. Observant…It sounds as though you have won the battle (physicall, mentally, emotionally) and understand what you need most from your relationships now. I feel as though I am still battling with this at times myself…

    I would agree with you on the Venus vs. Mars bit (men seem much more capable of keeping “sex” and “love” separate). I believe I have chased many a man away because of my desire and need for more connection. With the right man, however, I believe that a more mature connection (melding) is possible (it just takes a very strong man to believe that he can attune with the “Shakti” part of himself….).

  6. 6 Simonne July 21, 2007 at 10:06 pm

    OB, boy do I agree with you there! The thought of being with anyone else makes my skin crawl. I just can’t fathom splitting sexual passion from the love I have for CJ. In saying that, I have so much gratitude for my past expereinces, many of them quite awful (I too had HPV) because I couldn’t be writing my book without them. I contracted all of those experiences in to help me learn some of my most important core lessons in this life.
    Much love to you Goddesses x

  7. 7 observantbystander July 21, 2007 at 11:05 pm

    PM: Ken’s ability to relate on a less macho level is one of his best qualities. We often share a box of kleenex when watching something emotionally touching on TV. His capacity to feel his emotions fully is a real bonus to me, after being around so many men who work very hard to cover them up. I also believe this gift is a sign of a truly well-rounded man, doesn’t feel the need to deny the Shakti part of him.

    Simonne: I’m sure you’re getting your yearly PAP. Without it, my cancer would never have been detected. Interestingly, I was diagnosed before the connection between HPV and cervical Ca had been absolutely established. My oncologist queried me about HPV and when I answered that I had had it, he said “Yes. We believe there may be a correlation between the two.”

    Ah, it’s getting late here in the N.Hemisphere. Night all!

  8. 8 V- July 22, 2007 at 8:31 am

    Now I’m feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. I enjoyed my affairs but I was also under the mindset that I wasn’t going to get married again -ever. I had no desire to get in serious relalationship. I wasn’t taken advantage of. I wasn’t looking for more. Friends with benefits was exactly what I needed at the time and I really don’t have any regrets.
    I too was diagnosed with HPV, thank God it never turned into cancer, although I was plaqued with abnormal pap smear results for years. I did have a hysterectomy last year due to large fibroids and adenomyosis. The surgury turned out to be one of the biggest blessings I have had in years. It gave me my life back.

  9. 9 observantbystander July 22, 2007 at 12:45 pm

    Don’t feel guilty about having a good time, kiddo. (remember your vow to stop apologizing?) I had a wonderful time and lots of great experiences (read: sexual encounters) in my youth. I don’t feel at all guilty about them, or even sad that they happened. It’s part of who we are now – and we’re spectacular.

  10. 10 Simonne July 22, 2007 at 8:02 pm

    Thanks for the reminder OB, I need to go again. I’m usually pretty good about it. Have had a run of abnormal paps like V, but nothing bad. Thanks for providing such a supportive environment here x

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