What DO they think about?

I have been surrounded by men all day long for the past 11 years, which has allowed me to do what I do best: Observe. Observing men in their natural habitat (surrounded by tools and equipment and stuff with motors) has often been frustrating, but as study material, they’re terribly fascinating creatures. I’m old enough to be off their chick-cruising radar plus, matter-of-fact and unobtrusive enough for them to sometimes forget I’m there. That’s when I gather my best material – sort of like Jane Goodall with the chimpanzees – and here’s a real news flash you women probably won’t believe: 1) Men can’t find anything that’s hidden behind something else and 2) Men have an aversion to throwing trash in a trash can. Women seem to possess these relatively simple skills and I wonder if having a uterus gives us special powers above and beyond childbearing. I swear someday I’m going to write a book and call it “It Takes a Uterus.”

Sometimes I like to take impromptu polls, just to see what’s going on in those brains of theirs. Once I asked some of the guys what the bathroom door policy was between them and their SO: Bathroom door open or bathroom door closed? The answers were so surprising – Men who I pegged as really shy had a complete open door policy – they did everything right out in the open. Men who came off as open and really loud-mouthed were totally closed door people. Blew that hypothesis all to hell.

For the past two days I’ve been asking the question “What do men think about?” rodin-thinker.jpgSpecifically I wanted to know which topics dominated their brains on a day-to-day basis, and ladies, I’m sure you won’t be too surprised to find out it’s NOT your relationship or which color shirt goes with which pair of pants. So without further ado, I present to you my findings. Note that the study group contains males, ages 21-35 living in the rural Midwest, working construction for a living (but I have a sneaking suspician that the demographic doesn’t really matter…)

  1. Sex. Wow, I’ll bet you’re shocked by this one. The #1 thing men think about is sex, though the frequency varies depending on age. The younger the guy, the higher the thought frequency. No one was really willing to give me a definitive number – like every 38 seconds – but one guy said “a lot, that’s how much” so every 38 seconds sounds right to me.
  2. Sports I was surprised. I really thought food would have been #2 on the list, but sports was almost always their second favorite thing. I included all sports, including golf and fishing and hunting in this one. Guys just love competition no matter if they’re playing it or watching other guys do it.
  3. Cars, or anything else with a motor. Again, I’m surprised food doesn’t make an appearance yet. Guys around here enjoy car racing a lot – so I guess watching a sport that includes something with a motor is a lot like a multiple orgasm for them.
  4. Food. Ah, I knew it was on here somewhere. Men and women definitely have different food tastes and needs. Men seem to think about meats, as in the cooking of meats and the taste of meat and how much meat there is to eat. Women think about chocolate and salads. Every Friday we bring doughnuts in for the work crews and you’d think every last one of ’em had just died and gone to heaven. Meat and doughnuts. That’s really all they need for sustanence.
  5. Explosions and other things that go boom: This includes guns, TNT, firecrackers, and rocket ships. Guys love to blow shit up, they love to watch shit get blown up, and they love the sound of shit being blown up.
  6. Money: Men think about money a lot – how much money they have, how much money they don’t have, how to get more money, what to spend their money on. Guys prefer to spend their money on stuff that explodes, stuff that has a motor, or stuff you can play sports with.
  7. TV Sets: Guys also like to spend money on TV sets. Anecdotely, I was told by many of my subjects that they like to think about the next kind of TV they’re going to buy, just as soon as they have enough money. Take a minute to observe men the next time you’re in an electronics store. It’s weird the way guys will gravitate to the television section and just stand there, staring at all the screens, like moths to a flame.

“Gee honey, whatcha doing?”
“I’m evaluating the picture quality of these sets.

Bullshit. They are fucking mesmerized by all the pretty flashing colors coming at them from all 4 directions at once.

So there you have it. Only one of my test subjects admitted to thinking about his relationship on a regular basis, but when I told him what some of the other answers had been, he decided that he probably thought about food and sports more than he actually thought about his SO. Some of the other answers given were: music, work, video games (again, sports), and dirt (WTF????).  All in all, I’d say there were no surprises here.  When the guys wanted to turn the tables and asked me what women thought about, I told them “Oh, you know, unicorns, gingersnaps, puppies, rainbows, and horses.”  Man, if they get wind of our plan for a massive world takeover, they’d shit.  Mum’s the word, ladies.


20 Responses to “What DO they think about?”

  1. 1 writerchick July 25, 2007 at 7:27 pm

    *Snort* I’m still laughing about the meat and doughnuts comment. You got them pegged – still, there weren’t too many suprises in there, were there? Kind of gives me a sense of security to know that not much has changed for the other gender. 😉

  2. 2 V- July 25, 2007 at 8:21 pm

    Troy thinks about sex and food but he pretty much despises the other things on your list. I guess marrying an musician has it’s perks!

    You are so right about men (and boys) not being able to look behind things. It’s MADDENING!

    Your Jane Goodall reference made me spit tea on my computer!

  3. 3 poseidonsmuse July 25, 2007 at 9:39 pm

    HOLY SHIT OB!!!!! LMAO so loud that the neighbours can hear me WHEEZE!!!!! [hack, hack, hack…]. Wow! Ok. That’s better now [still laughing and wheezing]. You really hit the nail on the head with this one. “Dirt?” WTF is right. What is “up” with that anyway?

    Ok. And my very fave line – “Guys love to blow shit up, they love to watch shit get blown up, and they love the sound of shit being blown up.” I’m glad I’m not still drinking my Tim Horton’s Ice Cap – because (oh yeah “V”, it would be on my “screen” too…pffffft!). But hey, if the screen started to short circuit and EXPLODE, I just might get some male attention over here! “Oooohhh…look at the pretty lights coming from PM’s laptop screen…!” [KABOOOOOM!].

    Love ya Babe – Keep up the good work – your humour is THE BOMB!!!!

  4. 4 Brewster July 25, 2007 at 11:05 pm

    From a lifetime (long lifetime, nearly 22 years now) of overhearing phone calls between you and your Austin component, I feel I have a pretty good handle on the ever evolving plans for world domination. Will my long hair spare me cruel punishment that may otherwise be in my future, even though I am of the male persuasion, or will a constant supply of chocolate and cheesecake be my only chance for survival?

  5. 5 Deb July 26, 2007 at 5:20 am

    This was hilarious! And it explains some things. Here I’d been thinking that guys look at me weird because I’m vegan…but really, I think they look at me weird because I don’t have (and refuse to get) a TV! 😀

    (Though actually, most everyone looks at me weird for that)

    I work with geeky guys, so a lot of them would probably have gadgets in place of cars. Otherwise (dirt?) I think this list, expertly compiled, applies universally!

  6. 6 observantbystander July 26, 2007 at 5:53 am

    WC: Men are still the hunters they always were, although I can see a glimmer of evolution happening…

    V: I had a couple of guys say they weren’t all that interested in sports, but they made up for it with their overwhelming love of explosions and TV. Hang on to that Troy, baby!

    PM: YOU crack ME up, and yes, you can be assured that if your computer explodes, many men will flock to your house to find out what exploded, how it exploded, and will it explode again.

    Brewster: Chocolate & cheesecake will be your salvation. Offer them up to as as gifts to the goddesses and you will be spared, my young friend.

    Deb: No TV says to a guy “If there’s not a screen I can watch, then you might want to make me talk about our feelings.” This is a death sentence for any relationship. Your only salvation is to parade around the house scantily clothed so he’ll be thinking about sex instead. Tongue in cheek? Absolutely. Find yourself one of those more evolved men and you’ll be OK.

  7. 7 poseidonsmuse July 26, 2007 at 8:26 am

    MMMmmm….What would a Chocolate and Cheesecake Altar look like? I seriously need to find one of these said “Evolved” men. Thanks OB. Great post.

  8. 8 pradapixie July 26, 2007 at 4:16 pm

    Great post!
    Would be good to check out if men in other countries think in the same order. Obviously sex would be on top in most places!
    Not sure UK men would be doing the gun thing, unless they’re wannabe rappers.

  9. 9 Grace July 26, 2007 at 4:22 pm

    LOLLLLLLLLLLL OB!!! You are MAHvelous!

    OK…I have to admit. From my own experiences, I was a little surprised to see that “Food” topped “TV”, and I would have thought “Remote Control Usage” might have it’s own category!

    But I work mostly with women, so I’m a little rusty 😉

  10. 10 observantbystander July 26, 2007 at 6:09 pm

    Pix/Grace: Most men around the world are probebly the same – just a hunch – but it’d be fun to find out. Grace, only one guy was insistent that remotes needed to be paired w/TVs. Most just said TV’s but they probably assumed that also meant “includes remote.” Remote=penis extension.

  11. 11 Deb July 27, 2007 at 6:30 am


    I worked with a guy who didn’t have a tv, and he was hilarious describing it. He said people would come over and he would notice them glancing around casually, as people do. And then they’d keep looking around and around the living room, and when they’d finally look at him, panic in their eyes, he’d say “that’s right. In my home, conversation is required.” 😀

    I’ll keep the scantily clothed thing in mind. That would only work in the summer for me (I hate being cold!) so I might have to rely on cupcakes in the winter. heh.

  12. 12 poseidonsmuse July 27, 2007 at 8:34 am

    Ok. Observant. You bring up a very good point about remotes as penis extensions. What the hell is up with THAT anyway – ok…let’s review the collection of remotes that my “magpie” of a man collects, shall we? Ok…

    1. Tv
    2. DVD
    3. Audio system
    4. Stereo system (oh yes, this is just the less souped up version of said #3.)
    5. Air conditioner (I know. What the?)
    6. Fan (did you know that they made fans with remotes too (?) – oooh….”off”, “on”, “fast”, “faster”, “fastest”…).
    7. The Universal remote (I think he has at least 4 of these damn things…only one is in use) — and each one is different based on whatever electronic crap you collect…

    That’s at least 7 penis extensions folks! And, sadly, the potential for multiple orgasms declines exponentially with each one!

    What next, a remote for the toilet seat?

  13. 13 karen July 27, 2007 at 10:39 am

    Deb: cupcakes good. Observant also likes cupcakes.

    PM: I have 4 fans with remotes! Not that I use them, of course, but I have them. Remote toilet flusher would be a best seller. V-here’s your next business venture guranteed to make you an instant millionaire.

  14. 14 Bill Howdle July 27, 2007 at 8:06 pm

    Wow, now that I know of this massive plan to take over the world, I will have to be more on guard. As a male, I am glad Brewster has found me a way of safe passage.
    As a male I could be insulted by one of your survey comments. To set the record straight, I do not think of sex every 38 seconds, we do have more control than that. It is more like every 42 or 43 seconds.lol
    I really enjoyed the post.
    I hope you don’t mind if I add you to my blog roll

  15. 15 Laurie Anne July 27, 2007 at 8:19 pm

    If one of us gals would just create a meat-flavored doughnut…damn, we’d be on our way to world domination!

  16. 16 Simonne July 28, 2007 at 8:36 am

    OB, this is hilarious! You better use “It Takes a Uterus” soon, or I’m gonna steal it, it’s great!!

  17. 17 observantbystander July 28, 2007 at 9:29 am

    Bill – Welcome! I’ve been following your comments on other blogs in our little corner of cyberspace. Please do add me to your blog roll. I will do the same. Every 42-43 seconds eh? Sounds like you’re right there in the norm, Bill!

    Laurie: Meat flavored doughnut! I spit tea on my computer screen when I read that!

    Sx: I thought of you when I made that title up! I thought “Simonne would get a kick out of this one.” Use it girl.

  18. 18 Paul Baylay July 28, 2007 at 4:19 pm

    World domination? Who will park the car when you get there? But I get the feel for this.. tanks refitted with lip stick holders, compact mirrors and day glo lighting. Not to mention the shoe rack.

    If you need a double agent give me a call..

  19. 19 observantbystander July 28, 2007 at 7:53 pm

    Paul – Ha! When women take over the world there will no longer be a need for tanks. As for parking the car, all parallel parking spots will be outlawed, of course. we’ll keep you on speed dial for the double agent position.

  20. 20 Doktor Holocaust September 11, 2007 at 7:05 pm

    as a penis-bearing individual, I am offended by the asertion that sex is a number-one thing. maybe for the construction workers you polled, but it could be that they don’t get laid enough from diverting so much mental energy to cars and sports. Here’s the What Men Think About, Dok Holocaust edition:
    1) Goofing off. whether it’s nerfball-tipped paper airplanes (they’re super-accurate for cubicle-tag!) at the office or paranoid-delusion-inducing quantities of caffeine at home, I am tirelessly in pursuit of good clean wholesome deranged goofy fun.
    2) food. Can’t goof off on an empty stomach.
    3) Caffeine. can’t prepare food or goof off without caffeine.
    4) Disgusting Stuff – zombies, taking a dump, idly wondering how much damage I can do to those annoying unattended children that run around in Wal-Mart at all hours before getting caught. Sex with other people falls into this category, as does whatever’s annoying me at the moment.
    5) TV/Movies/Comicbooks and other forms of entertainment.
    6) masturbation.

    Zombies, yes! Zombie Survival Guide is on the nightstand as we speak, just in case i need a quick consult in the middle of the night. Hmmm, I notice you’ve got sex with other people in the “disgusting stuff” catagory. Was that an intentional placement, or did you mean to put that in the “goofing off” section?

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