Show us your guns!

Let me start out by saying that I do not own a gun, nor have I ever owned one.  75aguns1.jpgFor years, my home has been gunless which, according to my pro-gunnie friends means I’ve been grossly unprotected from marauding packs of  robbers, rapists and  murders – or, in the words of Hedley Lamar from Blazing Saddles: Rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

And Jehovah’s Witnesses.

It seems strange to the pro-gun people that I’m not concerned about being unprotected.  “But what would you do when the bad guys come into your house?” they ask.
“Bad guys?  In my house?  But why would they do that?”
“Well, to kill you.” they answer haughtily, as if I were terribly naive about the ways of the world.

I have various answers to this question, my favorite being,  “I guess if they really want to kill me, then they can.”   After a brief moment while they sum up my response they usually reply with the standard   “Oh, you don’t mean that!”

But I do.  I do mean that. 

In my opinion, the only reason to own a handgun is to kill another person.  And I’m not sure I could do that.   Besides, even if I could manage to access my handgun from my (supposedly) locked case, load it and point it at the bad guy, it would be insanely easy for said bad guy to simply walk up and take it from me.  

I’m one of those people who are most likely to be killed by my own handgun. 

Right after the 4th of July, one of our vendors came into my office.  “Did you have a good 4th of July?” he asked.  “Well, the firecrackers really bother me” I answered, signing his paperwork and handing it back.  “I’ll bet you’re one of those people who doesn’t like guns” he said, giving me a knowing look. “You’re right.” I said.  “I don’t own a gun.  But I’m not an anti-gun person either – I just don’t want or need one of my own.” 

I waited for the inevitible question that I knew was coming regarding bad guys and home invasions.  However, he surprised me with a new variation on that familiar theme:  “What are you going to do when Al Queda comes to your door?” he asked, serious as a heart attack. 

Al Queda?  At my house?  Was this guy serious?   

Maybe I am naive, or just plain stupid, but I don’t believe the bad guys are coming for me.  And little do my pro-gun friends know is that I already have a strategy for when the bad guys (or Al Queda) forces their way into my house and says “Hey you! Defenseless woman!  I’m gonna shoot you dead!”  It’s a strategy that involved no guns or fancy, karate chopping self defense stuff either.  And it’s pretty much guaranteed to work – so here it is:

First I will act all “Oh no, please don’t hurt me bad guys (or Al Queda guys).  I’ll do anything you want!”  Then, real quick, I’ll flash them my boobalicious breasts, thus rendering them completely and totally speechless.   After I start my mesmerizing dance of boob seduction, I will be slowly making my way to the kitchen where I have the only weapons a women needs:    A sink and a small appliance.      Then I’ll crook my finger at them and say “Come here you naughty boys and watch me wet down my tshirt for you!  And if you’re really good, I’ll let you have your way with me” (Note:  Guys cannot resist the possibility of having sex with me.  This is a known fact).    I’ll encourage them to wet down my tshirt from the sinkful of water, while continuing to do my dance of seduction and yelling  “More! More water!  More wetness!”   As they’re spashing water at me and trying to join me in my dance of seduction, I’ll be waiting for just the right moment when I’ll grab the plugged in coffeemaker, throw it into the sink, and fry their dumb bad guy (or Al Queda) brains.   

Then I will call the authorities, explain that there are fried bad guys in my kitchen, and go change into a dry shirt. 

Diabolical, isn’t it?


20 Responses to “Show us your guns!”

  1. 1 pradapixie September 10, 2007 at 3:31 pm

    That’ll knock em dead girl….. you go.

    It’s a very wierd thought that anyone outside of some gangster could own a gun. It would never occur to me that anyone I know, even from cyber space would have one.

    I won’t comment on your gun laws, I don’t think i have that right as an English woman. Except to say from that point of view I’m glad i live here and not there.

    Heh, heh, knock em dead! I have a feeling that you and I feel the same way about our gun laws. It’s a touchy subject here – it’s best just to take a live and let live attitude, if you know what I mean.

  2. 2 Doktor Holocaust September 10, 2007 at 8:23 pm

    question: what if the marauding whoevers are not Bad Guys but Bad Girls (or perhaps Villanous Gay Men) who are, by virtue of having their own breasts or just not being interested in breasts, immune to your boobalicious ruse?

    Oh come on, I have a long history of gay guy friendage – we’d be talking home decor and dishing celebrities in 2 minutes flat! All I’d have to do is mention the latest Britney debaucle on the MTV music awards and we’d be fast friends forever!

  3. 3 Deb September 10, 2007 at 8:30 pm

    Uh oh, OB, the Doc has a stumper!

    The real questions is: how are you going to get fried bag guy (or AQG) smell out of your house? Oh, wait, should I have gone to the Blog of Knowledge with that question?

    Well, that IS a common problem after one has been electrocuted in your home, but I’m counting on Martha Stewart to contact me after she reads about my amazing feat in the national headlines. SHE’LL know what to do.

  4. 4 Deb September 10, 2007 at 8:31 pm

    (or, you know, bad guy. bad guy, bag guy, who can tell the difference, especially once they’re fried?)

    Haha! I got that, but had to read it a couple of times!

  5. 5 writerchick September 10, 2007 at 9:28 pm

    Hey Karen,
    Sounds like a damn fine plan. I personally don’t like guns nor do I own one. I’m not anti-gun but I don’t want one for me. My magic bullet is my dog Maggie, a 15 pound mutt who can smell a possum from 100 paces. No bad guys are getting into my place without her waking up the entire fricking city. 😉

    My dog would be worthless since he thinks everyone is his friend (except squirrels. he despises and loathes squirrels). However, when the plumber came to the house the other day, Coco showed his teeth (his little tiny teeth), so he’s got potential.

  6. 6 motherwintermoon September 11, 2007 at 7:55 am

    LOL! 😀 I did not know you are boobalicious. I just love getting to know each other better and finding out more juicy tidbits. (That’s tidbits, don’t go seeing a t in place of the d y’all!)

    Oh yeah, I’ve got enough cleavage to mesmerize the masses! It IS nice to find out new and exciting titbits tidbits about each other, isn’t it?

  7. 7 AnthonyNorth September 11, 2007 at 9:04 am

    I’ve fired guns, trained with guns, and I can’t stand guns. It was part of my job in the forces, and I thouroughly enjoyed it, until the times live ammo was used instead of blanks.
    Only then does it become a proper gun; and only then do you have the potential to kill. Unless you’ve got a gun that you don’t know how to use properly, and if you need it then, you can guarantee that gun has the potential to kill you first.
    Defend yourself within your bounds. You’ve got it about right, OB. As for me, I’ve the gift of the gab. I can talk myself out of anything.

    I always think I can talk myself out of anything also! In fact, I had a potentially bad situation occur a couple of years ago with a very weird type of home invasion which could have been really bad if I’d had a gun and decided to brandish it. As it was, I handled it with instinct and everything turned out fine. You can read about it here:

  8. 8 Bill Howdle September 11, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    I don’t happen to own a gun myself and really have no desire to every have one.
    Now as to your self defense plan, you may be on to something. I know it would work on me. lol Or at least back in my younger days, picture me stumbling around tongue hanging out.

    Yo Bill, THAT’s the attitude I’m talking about!

  9. 9 Red September 11, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    “hornswogglers” hahah! Im gonna use that today in a sentence. that’s my goal.
    We own a gun. it’s a 22 rifle. i dont know much more about it than that. I have shot it several times, just so that the hubby could teach me how to use it. and BTW, i am a pretty good shot! we live waaaay out in the country, no neighbors, out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by the woods. he wanted to teach me how to fire it because of that. It is kept next to the backdoor *unloaded*. BUT! next to it, is my Louisville slugger, and if need be, I’d use that.
    But only if my boobalicious breasteseses didn’t work first. i got the boobage goin’ on too, my sistah :]

    I’m lovin’ that word too! Hey, if the bad guys came to the house while we were BOTH there, we could take on an army! Heehee!

  10. 10 david September 11, 2007 at 3:06 pm

    Even if I owned a gun, I’m pretty sure determined assassins would still be able to kill me. The training it would take for me to be able to beat determined Al Qaeda operatives is far more than I’d ever take the time to get.

    Amen to that!

  11. 11 joebec September 11, 2007 at 4:03 pm

    OMG! we totally have the same strategy for killing the bad guys! being an all out whore, sex is my main weapon of choice. That, and the mace i keep in my nightstand. great post!

    Reg, you are my role model for self defense!

  12. 12 Doktor Holocaust September 11, 2007 at 4:24 pm

    okaaay, so we’ve covered the villanous gays. What if it’s a Bad Girl of some sort, then, and immune to the hypno-bosom because they’ve got one of their own, or some mutant Fiendish Intersexed Person who has boobs but is not quite a girl?

    Oh Doctor, you do vex me! Okay: If it’s another girl (but a bad girl, not a nice girl like me), I would be all “Yo sista, you lookin’ so cool. How can I look cool like you?” (flattery gets chicks every time). Then we’d go in and play with makeup and I’d probably let her do some piercings on me! Now, if it’s a weird man/woman, that’s pretty complicated. I might act all curious about them and get them to talk about how their life sucks because they’re traumatized by their strange ambiguous gender. Then, after I wipe their tears of psychic pain, we’d turn on the Dr. Phil show and yell things at the TV like “You suck Dr. Phil!” and “We hate you, Dr. Phil!” We would then be best friends for life!

    Whew, that was tough! Did I pass?

  13. 13 Paul Baylay September 11, 2007 at 5:49 pm

    I’m gonna pick up on your response to Writerchick.. so are you saying that if Al Queda starts training teams of squirrels, you will be on the front line of the war on terror with or without a wet t-shirt?

    Anyways I’m with Prada Pixie on this one.. I couldn’t have said it better.

    An entire army of well-endowed women armed with baskets of walnuts should take care of that! Stupid Al Queda and their army of attack squirrels…

  14. 14 Doktor Holocaust September 11, 2007 at 6:47 pm

    as one of those weird intersexed types, I grade you a B-, because A) my life doesn’t suck, as there’s nary a sexualized bodily protrusion that i don’t have, which makes things all kinds of fun at bathtime (keeps BOTH hands busy, if you catch my drift), and B) you didn’t suggest teaming up to home-invade Dr. Phil and gunlessly slay him (I wanna use a car battery, personally, or a tesla coil)

    Yeah, that was a definite demerit for not thinking of sticking it to Dr. Phil (take that! Zzzzzzzz). I’m not EVEN touching your sexual ambiguity thing you’ve got going on there (haha! I said touching!).

  15. 15 Bella September 12, 2007 at 12:57 am

    So, your “guns” are boobylicious! OMG, nearly fell off my chair, I never saw that coming 😉

    “And Jehovah’s Witnesses” that was just so random and whack! I LOVED IT, and ‘aint that the truth?!?

    Unless you can sleep with the loaded gun under your pillow, it really doesn’t serve a purpose. How are you suppose to get to the locked box, pull out the gun and shoot? Stupid! Just stupid.

    If I did own a gun (and didn’t have kids in the house), I would not hesitate to shoot any mother f-cker that dared to show his/her face in my home. I’d aim to kill. Period. Wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep either.

    Love this post, you are too funny!

    I “aim” to please, Bella! Although I’d like to think I could charm my way out of every situation, who the hell really knows? Still, I’d be dangerous with gun! I’ve shot them, but it’s just not for me. Oh well. Boobs Rule!

  16. 16 anonymum September 12, 2007 at 6:26 am

    not sure how i missed commenting here ob…sowwy 😦
    this post is a blast!
    and i need the laugh…thanks…while i’m lovin’ (and giggling over) that strategy, i’d probably just shoot the bastards 😆

    Shit, I’d probably end up shooting myself in the foot or something. Might as well use the boobs instead! Glad I could provide a laugh, kiddo – I know you needed that!

  17. 17 anonymum September 12, 2007 at 6:43 am

    it was the boobs crack that did it!!!

    Ya know, I was stymied as to how to end that post, then I just let my mind concoct the most bizarre scenario it could, and so it became all about the tits!

  18. 18 prisonmike September 12, 2007 at 4:47 pm

    Although I’m not a member of the NRA, and probably never will be, I own several rifles. They probably all fall under the classification of “assault weapons” adopted under your object d’lust’s regime. They all hold multiple rounds, they all will fire every time the trigger is pulled, and they all will poke a hole in anyone they’re pointed at.

    It’s funny though – none of those rifles have snuck up behind me and killed me. I’m not saying that’s impossible, but it haint happened to me yet. And I bet probably I could live with them for a thousand years in my home and none of them would murder me.

    The difference is keeping them in the right hands (mine). And pointing the noisy end at the offender.

    For me, it’s breathtakingly simple. Keep the guns out of the hands of criminals. Period. I suppose you could knock over a bank brandishing a shovel, but the effect somehow wouldn’t be the same.

    I once saw a movie at a drive-in where a busty secret agent dispatched bad guys using your method. I think her code name was Agent 38DD. It was at the Fairyland drive in on Prospect. Although I admired her patriotism, I was strangely aroused each time she dispensed justice.

    It reminds me of Kevin Nealon on SNL reviewing the porn movie “Romancing the Bone”. “Initially, I was interested. Then I became more interested, then very interested, then EXTREMELY interested. Suddenly then, I lost interest.”

    The actress who played Agent 38DD was Chesty LaRue. Maybe you remember some of her other memorable movies, like her title role in Beyond the Valley of the Ultra Milkmaids, and her Best Porn Actress award for her portrayal of Sharon Moans in the classic Brassiere to Eternity. Her career was cut tragically short though, when the audience suddenly lost interest. Poor Chesty, I think she’s selling smokes in a bodega in NYC now so she can continue makng the payments on her implants.
    See kids? Stay in school! And don’t use your assault weapons to commit crimes

  19. 19 poseidonsmuse September 13, 2007 at 10:17 pm

    Coming from a caffeine addicted Mermaid, I would have to say that that would be a terrible waste of a coffee maker! Poor coffee maker… Now, I would still go with the boob thing, because you still need defending in an entertaining manner (and I bet that your boobies are rather delightful)…

    But, I might choose another weapon like a frying pan or a rolling pin. If you can’t fry the bastards with electricity, pound them into a pulp using some of Jamie Oliver’s preferred tools…”Foie Gras Al Qaeda” style…Because every home is a potential Al Qaeda terrorist target (Yay! Heathrow is saved!). Hilarious post OB! Thanks! xoxo

    Crap…now the FBI is going to start tracking us…

    I think the FBI’s been tracking me for YEARS! Haha! Take THAT Herr Cheney! The idea of the back-up frying pan/rolling pin is a VERY good one! I’m going to keep that stuff handy for sure.

  20. 20 poseidonsmuse September 13, 2007 at 10:18 pm

    Ugh…why did I even say “Foie Gras” – that stuff is nasty and barbaric…

    Yucky goose liver.

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