Why I wear a burqa

Here in the modern, uninhibited world of the West, much ado has been made regarding a certain type of clothing worn by many women in the Middle East – the burqa.  rron183l.jpgModesty guidelines in Muslim countries are a lot more strict than they are here, and they like their womenfolk covered up real good.  Here, on the other hand, we prefer a woman who shows a lot of skin – and if she flashes her nekkid hoochee as she gets out of the limousine, all the better. 

While I’m not an advocate of forcing women to wear the najib, I’ve found many good reasons to embrace the beauty of the head-to-toe garment. 

Reason #1:  Let’s start with the obvious:  The water retention problem.  You know what I mean – you get up, put on a pair of freshly washed jeans and try to button them – “Damn!  Water weight gain!”  That’s when you wish you had a pair of dirty, already stretched out jeans to put on.  But you don’t because you stupidly washed clothes this weekend.   That’s when the burqa would come in handy.  Just thinking about that kind of non-binding, clench-free comfort makes me want to go up and put mine on right now!

Reason #2:  Bad hair day.  You wake up and get ready for work, but your hair has taken on some kind of bizarre life of its own and has assumed a shape that’s unflattering and refuses to change.  No problem!  Put that burqa on and all your bad-hair problems are instantly solved!  Ditto with zits, warts and the heartbreak of psoriasis.  

Reason #3:  Celebrity cover-up.  Let’s say you’re Julia Roberts (OK you’re not, and you’ll never in a million years be mistaken for a movie star, much less Julia Roberts, but bear with me here).  Going out in public is a real bitch isn’t it?  You’re about had it with all those annoying fans and their incessant gushing about how much they LOVED you in Pretty Woman and you wish they’d just fucking get a life and stop bothering you.  You even moved to fucking Arizona or someplace like that just to get away from it all, but they find you just the same.  If Julia Roberts had a burqa, all her going-out-in-public problems would be solved.  Under a burqa, you could be anybody.  For that matter, in a burqa you could pretend to be a movie star and nobody could prove you really aren’t Halle Barry or Chloe Sevigny. 

Are you following the beauty of this logic people?  It’s fucking brilliant I tell ya. 

Reason #4:  Underwear is optional.  OK, not that it isn’t already optional, but with a burqa you can let it all hang out.  And by just lifting it off the ground a few inches, one can allow the cooling and refreshing breezes to journey up the burqa to your special nether regions.  Good times.

Last but not least, we come to our most important reason.
Reason #5: The burqa can save your life.  Think of the lowly mosquito – a small but potentially deadly insect who lives off the warm blood of animals. burqa.jpgNot only do these pesky predators cause itchy welts, they spread diseases – malaria, yellow fever, and the much-dreaded West Nile Virus. Instead of slathering your delicate skin with Deet-filled insect repellents – I give you, what I like to call the Beekeeper Burqa.  You know what I mean – the one with the netting over the eyes.  And it traditionally comes in a really nice, soothing blue color – perfect for a summer barbecue or a stroll around the park with your beau.   The netting insures that no blood sucking mosquito will  be able to get to your naturally sweet female blood and infect you with their nasty tropical diseases.   You can’t beat protection like that, ladies! 

So there you have it – 5 reasons why the burqa may be right for you.  I say: Instead of reviling the burqa, we should embrace it for its many uses. 

And remember, it’s almost Halloween .  The all-white burqua would make a dandy ghost costume!  


20 Responses to “Why I wear a burqa”

  1. 1 purefnevyl October 14, 2007 at 7:17 pm

    You could also hide midgets in one.

    OK, YOU could hide a midget in one, but I have severe midget-phobia (along with a debilitating case of clown phobia).

  2. 2 Doktor Holocaust October 14, 2007 at 8:23 pm

    Why do women get to have all the fun of full body coverup? Why not a MAN-BURQA so we can have cooling breezed wafting upon our own special nether bits, keep away mosquitoes, and pretend to be a fully covered George Clooney or something?

    and, for the paranoids, there can be foil burqas! Why protect just your brain when you can keep those undesired mind-control rays off your whole nervous system!

    See? A million and one uses for the burqa! It’s not just a fashion statement, it’s a useful tool.

  3. 3 Red October 14, 2007 at 9:47 pm

    So where’s the picture then? I wanna see a picture, dangit!
    And I would definitely go camando with one. Moooost definitely.

    Maybe we could get Britney to pose in a burqa while flashing us her special parts! And yeah, there is no doubt I’d be sans undies in one of those things too.

  4. 4 Bill Howdle October 15, 2007 at 8:22 am

    I got a chuckle out of this well thought out post. But OB. you are causing me to worry. Each of your points made sense, what if this catches on here in the west? I shutter to think of maybe, no more mini shirts,awwwww. No more shorts, awwww. No more halter tops, awwww. What will I do if I can’t gaze upon God’s most beautiful and perfect creation the female.
    Out of fear of loosing one of the greatest pleasures in my life I offer an alternative thought. Suppose women were to free themselves of the burden of wearing clothes at all. Just think of the cost savings and the freedom from having to worry about what to where.
    I suggest what would be the male response if this were to be the case, to each of the valid points you raised if my suggestion was indeed brought about
    1. fluid retention, ohhhhh don’t care
    2. bad hair day, ohhhh don’t care
    3. celebrities unable to cover up, yipee.
    4. underwear wouldn’t even be an issue
    5. mosquitoes, I am sure there would be ample men around more than willing to sacrifice there own bodies to attract the mosquito or at least swat it from yours.

    Loved your post sorry I haven’t been around in a while. Things seem to be getting back to normal and I will be back

    Bill, no worries – I’ve been very blog-lazy lately myself! Now to address your comments: I love your response “What will I do if I can’t gaze upon God’s most beautiful and perfect creation the female?” That’s all I needed to hear – naked it is!

  5. 5 AnthonyNorth October 15, 2007 at 9:12 am

    Okay, what have us men been doing to upset you?

    Haha! I really didn’t expect such a stern response from the men! You guys really do like looking at us chicks, bad hair days and all – who knew?

  6. 6 V- October 15, 2007 at 9:22 am

    I’m going with Bill on this one. Let’s just forget clothes all together. I hate to be confined and am generally nude as often as I can get away with it. Even in bed I have to have at least on leg out of the covers. I can’t stand the restriction
    Cool down boys, I am 40 years old and if you happened to get a glimpse, you would embrace the idea of burqa wearing -at least for those over 30.
    Funny Post OB! I needed a laugh this morning. 🙂

    While it would be good, in a way, to just go naked, I think I”d rapidly develop even more self-esteen issues than I already have after comparing myself to all those cute little 20-something naked bodies prancing around. All those years of theapy wasted!

  7. 7 poseidonsmuse October 15, 2007 at 12:57 pm

    You get a 20 out of 10 for the element of [mild and delightful] sardonic humour in this post OB. Clever, wry and very witty! Loved it! However I must say that I am also “with the boys” on this one.

    We women should embrace ourselves no matter what. I think we are our own worst critics when it comes to body image and bad hair days. If I had to cover up with a burqa when I had a bad “body” moment or crappy hair day, my pasty skin and frizzies would never see the light of day!

    “Flash” on Momma! [woohoo!].


    Yes, but a burqa would provide a fashion choice you could pull out of your closet when only a total coverup would do. Not that you’d have to wear it – but you could if you really felt the need to go undercover. Uneasy about running into your latest ex at the grocery? Burqa!

  8. 8 RubyShooZ October 15, 2007 at 1:16 pm

    I wish I could add some funnies here but it looks like that’s been covered (pun intended) here.

    I know, I’m just too serious but ….On a more serious note I read recently the sense of being able to hide was comforting to some women (or at least the one I was reading about) and how it was kinda nice to be somewhat anonymous in that way. I am positive I would not like being forced to wear something like that though – absolutely positive.

    I think people are beautiful too and don’t think we should lock ourselves up in hiding.

    Hey, wishing you all a peaceful day today and all days.

    ~ RS ~

    The main problem with the wearing of the najib, for us Western women, is the element of being forced to wear it. That’s the point that rubs us the wrong way – and rightly so. Being forced to wear a cover-up garment because the men can’t be trusted to keep their sexual urges in their pants is like caveman logic.

  9. 9 Deb October 15, 2007 at 1:55 pm

    All I can say is that nudity is great, but only if it is optional! I go around fully covered up in almost all weather because I get so damn cold! And I’m miserable when I’m cold. So as wonderful an idea as it is to unburden ourselves from clothes, I for one would be wrapped in a blanket all the time!

    Then you’re gonna LOVE menopause! I used to be cold all the time, too. Not anymore sister!

  10. 10 pradapixie October 15, 2007 at 2:29 pm

    THE COMMENT BELOW IS POLITICALLY INCORRECT, and I will be taken to a place of safety just as soon as it’s published.

    A white burqa!!! and halloween, you could have a white witches hat then …… we’d all look like the KKK!


    Har! Only if you add the optional pointy hat thingie! I say add a Scream Mask for instant costume fun.

  11. 11 Red October 15, 2007 at 5:23 pm

    PradaPixie .. I thought the same damn thing.

    She’s cheeky!

  12. 12 Doktor Holocaust October 15, 2007 at 7:41 pm

    i’d want a burqa with lots of pockets, for cellphone, ipod, etc. I’d trick mine out into a fully web-enabled roboburqa, then maybe stick some telemetry-controlled robolimbs under it and just have it go impersonate me while I stay home, naked and eating icecream, and let roboburqa do all my errands and work for me!

    Spectacular idea, Dok! Leave it to the capitalists to come up with a million and one ways to individualize the burqa. And that’s the beauty of us.

  13. 13 joebec October 16, 2007 at 11:38 am

    i could TOTALLY do a burka. i have all those problems and more. I would have to stitch the word “whore” on the front though, so the guys wouldn’t think i went all religious on them. great idea though, seriously.

    Oh great idea Reg! I want mine monogrammed and a slit up the side.

  14. 14 Doktor Holocaust October 16, 2007 at 6:20 pm

    of course. nobody just wants a burqa. We’re Americans. even our conformists are fierce individualists who conform because they damn well WANT to. Each of us wants, nay, insists upon having our burqas, burqas that express our values and meet our esoteric cultural-niche needs. Whether it’s deciduous-camo-with-safety-orange hunting burqas or infrared-masking radar-invisible many-pocketed Bat-Burqas, we need fully customizable modular body coverage systems for the 21st century.

    Yes, we Americans will insist that our burqas reflect our individuality. None of this all-black all-the-time stuff for us. Sooooo boring.

  15. 15 Doktor Holocaust October 18, 2007 at 6:02 am

    my bat-burqa will be all black all the time. most of my clothes are anyway, to hide the coffee and blood stains.

    But of course, dear.

  16. 16 marnini October 18, 2007 at 7:24 am

    Wow, what a fun way of looking at the burqua. I think I would like one-you have me convinced. Especially on the fluid retention and bad hair days. Incognito is the way to go on those days.

    Thanks for stopping by! Another burqa convert – huzzah!

  17. 17 Paul B. October 18, 2007 at 7:41 am

    I want one… just to be ahead of fashion for once and not ten years behind.

    Paul, you shall have one with a specially-made pocket for your flask.

  18. 18 abarclay12 October 18, 2007 at 12:09 pm

    I would like a burka to swim in. I’m not what they call “beach-fit,” so I feel a burka made from swimsuit material would be delightful. I could wrap myself in it and float, and when I got out of the water, I could use it to lay on the sand and darken my burka.

    Ah, you’re talking about our new seal lion style burqa. Very, very popular.

  19. 19 ~m October 19, 2007 at 8:35 pm

    And why do we love American women so much?
    Because they don’t (and hopefully never will) wear that stoopid middle eastern burka bullshit!
    Besides, many of these women have never heard of deodorant.
    If I wanted that sort of thing I’d rent a friggin’ camel . . .
    The dromedary would probably smell better, too. Scary.

    Well, I think we’ve officially established that American men will never allow the burqa. This actually makes me very happy. I once commented to a good friend of mine, “Do the men over there just walk around with raging hardons all the time? Is that why they make their women cover up?” and she replied, “so why should they be different than any of the other men in the world?”

  20. 20 Anonymous October 23, 2007 at 2:23 pm

    It’s hajib,not najib. I am not a Muslim woman, and never would I wear a hajib nor a burqa. However, I am from the Middle East. I realize that you were trying to be funny in your entry, but the ignorant comment made by ~m is quite disturbing. How many women has he come across that actually wear the burqa? I love seeing ignorant, racist men that couldn’t afford a woman in a burqa talk about how they smell? When are five-year-olds allowed to comment on blogs?
    If you lift a burqa, underneath you will most likely find a beautiful woman with clothing from Belmain, jewelery that you don’t see in Hollywood, and a woman married to a very rich man that has some association with oil. No, I don’t mean Laura Bush either.
    I write this anonymously because sadly, I don’t want to start a cyber fight or link this and have people accost you for what your friend said.
    If you decide to delete this, I can understand. Some people can not handle being criticized (or in this case, their friend).
    Have a Blessed Day.

    Aw crap, it IS hajib. Bad spelling – my bad. They should not put the n so close to the h. I have to say that this is the second comment I’ve ever had, in my almost-two year blogging career that was unfavorable. I must be either lucky or incredibly non-offensive. That said, I have to defend my friend ~m. He’s actually quite a wonderful, sensitive man who was talking off the cuff. Sorry for the offense. I know he certainly didn’t mean to come off that way – sometimes we (the people in this blogging group) tend to forget we’re in a public forum and not sitting in a room shooting the shit with friends. You know how it is – I’m sure you do the same thing among your own friends. Yes, the post was intended to be funny – there’s way too much western anger about the wearing of the hajib and I wanted to apply some levity to the subject. Thanks for chiming in.

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