Here in the modern, uninhibited world of the West, much ado has been made regarding a certain type of clothing worn by many women in the Middle East – the burqa. Modesty guidelines in Muslim countries are a lot more strict than they are here, and they like their womenfolk covered up real good. Here, on the other hand, we prefer a woman who shows a lot of skin – and if she flashes her nekkid hoochee as she gets out of the limousine, all the better.
While I’m not an advocate of forcing women to wear the najib, I’ve found many good reasons to embrace the beauty of the head-to-toe garment.
Reason #1: Let’s start with the obvious: The water retention problem. You know what I mean – you get up, put on a pair of freshly washed jeans and try to button them – “Damn! Water weight gain!” That’s when you wish you had a pair of dirty, already stretched out jeans to put on. But you don’t because you stupidly washed clothes this weekend. That’s when the burqa would come in handy. Just thinking about that kind of non-binding, clench-free comfort makes me want to go up and put mine on right now!
Reason #2: Bad hair day. You wake up and get ready for work, but your hair has taken on some kind of bizarre life of its own and has assumed a shape that’s unflattering and refuses to change. No problem! Put that burqa on and all your bad-hair problems are instantly solved! Ditto with zits, warts and the heartbreak of psoriasis.
Reason #3: Celebrity cover-up. Let’s say you’re Julia Roberts (OK you’re not, and you’ll never in a million years be mistaken for a movie star, much less Julia Roberts, but bear with me here). Going out in public is a real bitch isn’t it? You’re about had it with all those annoying fans and their incessant gushing about how much they LOVED you in Pretty Woman and you wish they’d just fucking get a life and stop bothering you. You even moved to fucking Arizona or someplace like that just to get away from it all, but they find you just the same. If Julia Roberts had a burqa, all her going-out-in-public problems would be solved. Under a burqa, you could be anybody. For that matter, in a burqa you could pretend to be a movie star and nobody could prove you really aren’t Halle Barry or Chloe Sevigny.
Are you following the beauty of this logic people? It’s fucking brilliant I tell ya.
Reason #4: Underwear is optional. OK, not that it isn’t already optional, but with a burqa you can let it all hang out. And by just lifting it off the ground a few inches, one can allow the cooling and refreshing breezes to journey up the burqa to your special nether regions. Good times.
Last but not least, we come to our most important reason.
Reason #5: The burqa can save your life. Think of the lowly mosquito – a small but potentially deadly insect who lives off the warm blood of animals. Not only do these pesky predators cause itchy welts, they spread diseases – malaria, yellow fever, and the much-dreaded West Nile Virus. Instead of slathering your delicate skin with Deet-filled insect repellents – I give you, what I like to call the Beekeeper Burqa. You know what I mean – the one with the netting over the eyes. And it traditionally comes in a really nice, soothing blue color – perfect for a summer barbecue or a stroll around the park with your beau. The netting insures that no blood sucking mosquito will be able to get to your naturally sweet female blood and infect you with their nasty tropical diseases. You can’t beat protection like that, ladies!
So there you have it – 5 reasons why the burqa may be right for you. I say: Instead of reviling the burqa, we should embrace it for its many uses.
And remember, it’s almost Halloween . The all-white burqua would make a dandy ghost costume!