Things that scare me

It’s a scary world out there, folks, and it’s getting scarier.  I’ve been pondering a few recent events that have very scary implications for our Brave New World:


Waterboarding:  While the debate continues to rage about whether or not waterboarding is being used by the CIA as an interrogation technique – whether it be at an illegal location in an Eastern bloc country, or right here at our own detainee playground in Cuba –  it seems to me that the most obvious problem has been ignored:  The name of the technique itself.    I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word ‘waterboarding’ I don’t immediately think “Ewww.  THAT sounds scary”.  Instead, I  think New Extreme Sport!!   The name sounds suspiciously similar to Snowboarding, doesn’t it?   While I’m sure that our trustworthy government would never intentionallyname a torture technique (so horrible it’s against the Geneva Convention) something that sounds  like a fun sport for twentysomething daredevils,  I propose they consider changing the name.  Maybe to something more descriptive – like Brink of Death Drowning Torture, or The You’ll- Never-Feel-the-Same-Way-About-a-Shower-Ever-Again Interrogation Technique.  


Osama bin Laden:   Lately I’ve found the Bearded One’s videos to be more cute than scary – “Americans should all embrace Islam….” (for various reasons, one being, “because there are no taxes in Islam, only alms.”  Huzzah!)  

What really disturbs me, though, is this:   binladenvid.jpg Isn’t it obvious, from these 2004 and 2007 pictures of Mr. Crazy Himself, that a shipment of Just for Men had been hijacked from its regular route to Sun City, Arizona, to a group of caves, somewhere in Afghanistan?  And how, pray tell, did this happen? 

The US had better get control over this shipping container security problem before we start seeing something like this on our store shelves:


If Just for Men can help this man elude capture for over six years, imagine what it can do for you!


Political campaigns that never stop:  First it started with holidays. Unable to allow its customers one solid week of,9171,1682266,00.htmlfreedom from thinking about upcoming holidays, stores have set up a continuously rotating set of holiday displays.   New Years, Valentines, St Patrick’s, Easter, Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, Father’s Day, 4th of July, Flag Day, Labor Day, Christmas/Halloween, Christmas/Thanksgiving, and finally, Christmas/Christmas.   

Not content being left out of our year-long holiday gorging and spending sprees, the 2008 political campaigning started mere weeks after Bush’s reelection in 2004.  The fact that you actually made the mistake of contributing to a political campaign once – ten years ago – will now entitle you to a neverending stream of meddlesome phone calls and mailers, all with their collective hands out crying ‘More, Please’.  I predict that we’ll never again know a time when someone’s not campaigning to be our next President.  Much like seeing store Christmas displays in August (and there’s really nothing that says Festive! like a fully decorated Christmas tree next to a display of wailing, motion-sensitive goblins) we’ll complain about it, but no one will actually listen. 


Birth Control for 11-year-olds:  I have only one question – what’s scarier?  A pregnant eleven year old, or an eleven year old on birth control?

Last but not least  – The Hollywood Writer’s Strike:  This is perhaps the scariest thing of all.   Personally, I don’t care if most of what passes for television writing bites the dust for awhile.  However, I’m afraid of what this means for the one and only show I actually care about – Lost.’s not enough that the loyal viewers of what is perhaps the most interesting and intelligent show on TV today have to endure a 9 month wait for new episodes.  No  – now that January is finally closing in on us, the fucking writers have to go on strike.  I’ve heard that there are eight Lost episodes ready, but where does that leave the story?  I’ll tell you where – right in the middle of “gotta know what happens next”  How about right in the middle of revealing who or what the Smoke Monster is?  Or right in the middle of explaining how and why everyone got off the island and why Jack wants to go back?  Or maybe right in the middle of showing us what happened to Evil Ben.  Me no likey.  No sir.  Why can’t they let the Lost writers go back to work?  

Anyway, I think the writers are just big babies.  They should be glad to be getting paid to write anything, much less asking for internet content royalties.  Hey, where’s MY internet content royalties?  Huh?

Buncha babies.


18 Responses to “Things that scare me”

  1. 1 Deb November 13, 2007 at 4:44 pm

    I know, I know, I take everything too seriously, but I stumbled on some stuff that made me realize how little I know about the writers strike – not even why, not really. (And certainly the media giants aren’t going to report on it!) But there are some good blogs out there explaining to non-writers like me that it is a bit bigger than I thought it was:

    Just in case other people were like me and needed more info! And I should first thank planet pooks for making me pay attention to it at all.

    I loved the Just for Men thing. I hadn’t noticed that he was getting younger until you pointed it out! 😀

    Well, the fact that major corporations own and control 100% of our major news media is a chapter unto itself of Things That Scare The Shit Out Of Me. If one channel hops through what passes for World News, you can see the same stories parroted in practically the same order. I encourage people to tap into alternate sources of news, like Pacifica, where there is a different (albeit liberal) point of view. If you need to stay on the conservative side of things, I have no idea where one would turn for news that doesn’t toe the current administration’s party line. Maybe someone could help me out???

  2. 2 anonymum November 13, 2007 at 6:04 pm

    the birth control thing is the one that jumped out here…not too sure which IS scarier now that you ask the question! pretty much 6 of one and half a dozen of the other i’m thinking…
    and i’m with you on the political campaigning too…we’re due for a federal election in a couple of weeks and i’m SOOOOOOOO sick of the ads and crap! i try to ignore the retail garbage and make the holidays what they’re meant to be without the huge price tag…not always easy, but well worth the effort on the day…

    I have a thing about birth control: If you’re gonna have sex (and nobody can tell me that teenagers can somehow magically control the sex urge, especially since adults can’t), you need to have access to birth control. Simple. If Planned Parenthood hadn’t existed in 1973, I would have gotten pregnant.

    Not to say that eleven year olds having sex isn’t scary – it’s damn freaky if you ask me! They should stick to simulating sex with their Barbie and Ken dolls like we did at their age.

  3. 3 Doktor Holocaust November 13, 2007 at 7:50 pm

    my thoughts on these, in order
    Waterboarding: IS an extreme sport, if you like torturing people. points for technique, amount of information/number of crimes confessed, creativity (“looks like we ran out of water – let’s try URINE!”), and general callousness. It was a big event at the 2004 Doomsday Cultlympics.
    Osama bin-hairdye. I’m a few goats and the loss of indoor plumbing away from BEING a crazy religious nut in a cave. if we can honestly hold kooky ranters accountable for the actions of their followers, let’s get the Pope and every televangelist and tent-revival preacher you can name on the FBI’s most wanted list.
    ongoing political campaigns: people who run campaigns for a living got tired of it being seasonal work.
    ongoing holidays: since when do Americans need tinsel-coated excuses to overeat, overspend, and harass underpaid cashiers?
    writer’s strike: meh. I watch mythbusters, so i am largely unaffected. I find it funny that your Creepiest Guy on Teevee is the actor who played Zepp in “Saw”
    11 year olds on birth control: my opinion as a Doktor is that pregnant 11 year olds are scarier. I propose doing what they did in Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World and buying everyone’s reproductive glands off them. This way, population growth will be controlled, there’ll be plenty of stem cells for treating alzheimerkinson’s and other ailments, and children will be raised by teams of medical professionals rather than by anyone who can’t operate a condom.

    Heh, heh. Some of the kids raised nowadays would be better off raised by teams of medical professionals than by the slackers who attempt to pass as their parents.

    Yeah, the guy on Lost IS uber-creepy. Now he’s been horribly typecast and will never be able to get an acting gig as a compassionate country doctor. He’s got that pyschopath look going on. Much like bin Laden – who really ought to go into acting. Don’t you know he’d be the darling of Hollywood? I could see it now: New, from ABC – The Terrorist Next Door, starring Osama! A weekly situation comedy exploring the crazy antics of a defeated terrorist living in suburbia. Too bad they’ll have to wait until after the writer’s strike.

  4. 4 romi41 November 13, 2007 at 7:53 pm

    I am SO ignorant, that I actually thought “waterboarding” was some sport until you cleared up its torturous’re RIGHT, it does sound cool, and to people like me who don’t know any better, maybe I would have inadvertently taken someone up on a “waterboarding” offer…damn OB, you may have just saved this “hollow-head”s life 😉

    PS: I love Lost, and I do NOT want my season to get interrupted!!

    I don’t care who has to cross what picket line to get the rest of the Lost episodes written – I demand that it be done! Oh sorry, I was inadvertantly channeling bin Laden there for a sec. Maybe the writers need a little waterboarding challenge…

    Glad to be of service, MsRomi. Maybe they should start The Torture Olympics and televise it as a reality show.

  5. 5 Red November 14, 2007 at 12:42 am

    I have gas.
    Bad gas.
    That’s scary.
    And I’m high right now.
    Real high.
    To the sky.
    And I’m drowning in my snot.

    OK Red, “drowing in snot” is officially scary. Did you receive a head injury after your latest waterboarding escapade?

  6. 6 Doktor Holocaust November 14, 2007 at 8:07 am

    I try to imagine this Osama sitcom you mention, and it comes out a lot like Perfect Strangers, with Osama as the balkie-esque foreigner character being used to satirize inconsistencies of western culture. his catchphrase would be “You crazy american devils!”

    Excellent! Except I think we should change the word ‘devils’ to ‘infidels’.

  7. 7 V- November 14, 2007 at 9:16 am

    Birth control with out parental consent? Wow, I got a call yesterday from the school nurse asking permission to give my son a TUMS…crazy world. How do you always manage to make it so damned funny? 🙂

    Haha! Along with a love for cigarettes, I inherited my sense of humor from dad! And since you know him personally, you can totally understand that!

  8. 8 talea November 14, 2007 at 10:03 am

    I look at it this way……’tis cheaper to provide kids with birth control (since they’re gonna have sex anyways) than it is to raise an unwanted child. Not to mention all the moral shit involved. I’m all about birth control being readily available to whomever needs it.

    Second, the bin Laden beard thing is HILARIOUS. Dude, you’re hiding in a cave from the rest of the world and you’re still so vain that you dye your beard? I don’t even know what to say about that.

    See? You can’t escape the influence of the amoral West, no matter where you hide! Oh yes, my friends, it will seek you out and make you want to dye your hair – even if you’re hiding in a cave… (insert evil laugh track now).

  9. 9 Red November 14, 2007 at 10:22 am

    *sigh* No, I just have a cold. And I was high on meds last night when I posted that. Sorry!
    But .. an accident while waterboarding does sound a bit more exciting, now doesnt it.

    Ah, I’m sorry dearie. We could also tell people you’ve been crying incessently since the writers went on strike…

  10. 10 RubyShooZ November 14, 2007 at 7:03 pm

    So many important issues here – it’s a scary world but facing what is there is the only way to get through it – that and doing what things we can to help things along in how we want the world – and our reactions to it helps immensely.)

    Mcuah peace and beauty to you today.

    (Hey, I read somewhere about some bicyclers riding out in KC naked. I wondered if you’d heard anything about it. )

    Have a beautiful rest of the day. Peace.

    ~ RS ~

    Hmmm, I have not heard that – and Ken’s a cyclist! We’ve had a rash of bicylist vs car accidents/deaths though, which doesn’t do a thing for my comfort level when Ken’s out there on his bake. Last week’s KC Pitch ran the problem as its feature story.

  11. 11 Doktor Holocaust November 14, 2007 at 9:12 pm

    Next week on Terrorizing the Neighborhood with Osama….
    Osama: You crazy american devils, giving your children birth control pills!
    Osama’s teenage daughter: Dad? You know how you always say “just wait until you have kids of your own…”?

    Oh, perfect! Then we can segue into a story arc about Osama’s mid-life crisis: Upset and feeling aged due to the impending birth of his illegitimate grandchild, Osama dyes his hair and buys a sports car!

  12. 12 ~m November 15, 2007 at 7:24 am

    Such a great post.
    Waterboarding? I thought the same damn thing. Xtreme Sport.
    Bin Laden? The “just for men” angle is funny as hell.
    I think the bastard is a freak of nature and is getting younger before our eyes.
    Birth control for 11 year olds?
    Don’t get me started on that one.
    That’s a simple case of whackjob parents that don’t have a clue about raising girls. Think I could write a book on that one.
    Brilliant post.

    Thanks Michael! I figure if an eleven year old needs birth control, the parents have a lot more problems on their hands than they really should. I’ve thanked my lucky stars over the years that I didn’t have any girls to raise…

  13. 13 pradapixie November 15, 2007 at 3:58 pm

    uumm bin laden with no more grey, could start a whole new look!!
    what happens in waterboarding? Not heard of it over here.

    Oh poor Pix! Waterboarding is a form of torture also known as simulated drowning – it’s considered a war crime by the Geneva convention, however our fine government officials here like to use it anyway. Well, not OFFICIALLY use it, just kind of unofficially use it. They will neither confirm nor deny that they actually use it, but we all know what that really means.

  14. 14 joebec November 15, 2007 at 4:22 pm

    i thought waterboarding was like water skiing, but on a board. wow, am i lost in the dark ages.

    how crazy that not only can Bin Laden elude capture, but look 10 years younger while doing it.

    it’s a sad fucking world we live in.

    Naw, just a Brave New World!

  15. 15 abarclay12 November 15, 2007 at 6:39 pm

    I’m glad you included the writer’s strike because I didn’t realize how scary this is for me too. I love TV dammnit, and what the heck am I gonna do now? These writers have us by the balls. For the record, I’m also afraid of mountain lions, sharks, and going anywhere on a glass-bottom boat.

    Glass bottom boats are too freaky! You don’t really need to know what’s down there anyway. It’s better if you CAN’T see the sea monster.

  16. 16 AnthonyNorth November 16, 2007 at 10:13 am

    I’ll tell you what would be really scary – a boring world where we weren’t scared of anything. Just imagine, nothing to make fun at – no writers to go on strike in the first place …

    So true! You know I secretly love all this craziness!

  17. 17 Doktor Holocaust November 16, 2007 at 6:04 pm

    If this really is a Brave NEw World, as you tell Joebec, where’s my 15-hour workweek, free housing, free food, free health care, free entertainment, weekly creepy orgiastic ritual, and weekly supply of free hallucinogens? I first read that novel in a college course many years ago, and My first question for the professor regarding Huxley’s u/dys-topia was “Where do I sign up?”

    Now that you mention it, Aldous Huxley’s version doesn’t sound so bad after all!

  18. 18 Arm Jerker J. November 17, 2007 at 5:08 pm

    Great post. A few things though: I changed my mind about the strike. Check out my post about it and Ms. Max’s response — she is a writer and has a good point. Go weigh in, lady…

    Another thing: I didn’t read everyone’s responses, but I think the reason Mr. OB looks the way he does, is that each video isn’t him!

    And you are sooooooooo right about the BC and 11 year olds. I mean I wish people would just wake up.

    Yeah, actually my sentiments are with the writers. Writers get the short end so much of the time, I’m glad they’re speaking up and demanding full payment for their art. It just sucks for my TV viewing…

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