O, No!

So I’m blaming my utter inability to write anything close to my previous standard of blog post Cry Britney, Cry!(as well as my recent inability to have an orgasm…sorry if that’s too much information for you folks but believe me, it’s relevant to MY life.  So there)) to the increase in my antidepressant dosage.  Which keeps me from downing all my Xanax and slamming a Vodka/Nyquil/Red Bull cocktail, but does nothing to enhance my usual wry sense of humor.  

The, ahem, personal situation I’ve been dealing with is resolving rather nicely but I can’t, for the life of me, get too worked up about much of anything except the upcoming season of Lost (January 31st at 8pm CST – check your local listings Losties!).  I have an acquaintance who writes for a rather well-known magazine who’d heard a rumor last month that the show wasn’t going to be aired at all until they had a complete season.   If I hadn’t been fucked up on margaritas at the time I probably would have punched her, simply because I don’t have a way to get to the network bozos who make those kinds of decisions.   Shoot the messenger – that’s my motto. 

Lately, I’ve been digging the shit out of this Diablo Cody chick.  While I haven’t exactly rushed out to see Juno yet (she wrote the screenplay), I’ve been hearing that her writing is pretty good.  So I checked out her book, Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper just to see what all the fuss was about and have been completely delighted & entertained by her witty/sarcastic/GenX sassiness.  I’m not so much in awe of her story as I am by the way she tells it

Nobody comes to Minnesota to take their clothes off.  At least as far as I know.  This ain’t no nightclub.  Here in the woebegone upper country, Jack Frost is a liberal, rangy sadist with ice crystals in his soul patch…

Yummy prose like this make Observant want more.   And take heart fellow bloggers, she was discovered through her blog, The Pussy Ranch, which she wrote during her stripper days.   Lucky bitch.

Speaking of strip clubs, Kansas City’s most notorious “juice bar”, Erotic City, has been in the news lately (read all about it here).  Ken and I went on a KC Porn Crawl one night a couple of years ago (OK, it wasn’t an officialPorn Crawl, we just made that name up as we were driving around from porn shop to porn shop) and Erotic City was our final stop.   A nastier place I have never been to, either.  I’m totally down with dildo and other “adult novelty” displays, and having never been to a bonafide peepshow I was pretty stoked to see one for myself,  but this place reeked with a scumball funk so rank you could taste it.   The front of Erotic City is where their retail shit is:  Dildos, various and sundry anal products, bongs, rolling papers – you know, everything you need for a porn shoot.  The lighting was really bad and there were about five greasy-looking guys milling around, presumably waiting for their women to finish their pole shifts.   

A notice posted on the wall that read “All dancers MUST SHOWER DAILY” quickly clued me to the fact that this was NOT the most sanitary place on earth (thus NOT the place for OCD-Me).  Additionally, Ken and I were getting a SERIOUSLY freaked-out vibe from the place (probably channeling all the underage sex that apparently goes on there).   Back room peepshow-viewing plans aborted, we hightailed it out of Erotic City and back to the suburbs, where a very clean and sparkling Priscilla’s awaits, just minutes from our own front door.  And while Pricscilla’s doesn’t offer a peepshow experience, one can shop for a new vibrator in relative comfort (and very good lighting).   

Turns out I like the idea of seedy much better than I like the reality of it.

So Diablo Cody I am not – I’ll never take my clothes off in a scummy strip bar on a whim, or write a book called Porn Crawl:  They Only Come Out At Night, be declared The Next Big Thing (!) and immediately have my screenplays made into movies starring hip, name-brand actors and actresses.   I will, however, be happy to get my orgasm back.   Has anybody seen it?


14 Responses to “O, No!”

  1. 1 Spyder January 15, 2008 at 4:24 pm

    LOL! I think I found yours & a few other gals too. Said with a big smile!

    Lucky you! I think some of it may have to do with the fact that my 20 year old just moved back home also….Kind of hard to relax, ya know.

  2. 2 cowgalutah January 15, 2008 at 7:40 pm

    “All dancers MUST SHOWER DAILY”
    yikes…for real? that is just wrong!

    Man, that’s when I knew it was time to hightail it outta there!

  3. 3 Doktor Holocaust January 15, 2008 at 8:20 pm

    I think my orgasms were abducted by aliens, but that’s what I get for joining a Texas sex-and-death UFO cult. At least I get the reassurance that our space-benefactors ARE gathering up the faithful as promised, just doing it piecemeal. Other faithful members have already lost their minds, their jobs, some teeth, their dignity, their virginity, or even their nerve, but we are certain that everyone will be reunited with their missing bits on the Pleasure Ships.

    hey… you never sent thirty bucks to a PO Box in texas, did you? or maybe handed the cash to some grinning, pipe-smoking lunatic at at a weird party, did you? if so, it is quite possible that bits of YOU are also being Ruptured up onto those ships made of pure self-delusion.

    Har! I’m ready for my suite on the Pleasure Ship. Isn’t it time for someone to invent an Orgasmatron, as seen in Woody Allen’s movie Sleepers? That would be way cool.

  4. 4 venus00 January 16, 2008 at 8:53 am

    Candy Girl is now on my list! Sounds facinating.
    I understand about the son being home, although I seem to find my orgasms much easier when my husband and my kids are gone…is that bad? 🙂

    No, perfectly understandable! I tried that, thinking it might work better, but no cigar! Stupid antidepressants (or maybe it’s stupid menopause).

  5. 5 Doktor Holocaust January 16, 2008 at 9:08 am

    your 20 year old moved back in? that is definitely a problem. I know i had a big problem with being 20 – it impaired my intelligence and sapped all my energy. You should encourage your son to stop being 20 and be a more reasonable age, like 27.

    Can I send him away for 7 years and have him back when he’s 27? I can vaguely remember being a LOT saner at 27.

  6. 6 Sorrow January 16, 2008 at 10:23 am

    I dated a stripper once, okay maybe for about a month. Bathing was regular, no need to post a sign. The highest insult in the club was ” at least I am not the Mop guy” sounds like Erotic city needs a mop guy!
    The missing O? sounds like you need a trip to the Bahamas, baby oil, umbrellas, and the ability not to get caught!

    Man, I can only imagine what the mop guy had to mop up! Sounds like a subject for Dirty Jobs to me. Looking at the new snow outside, I’d say the Bahamas is the place to be right now!

  7. 7 poseidonsmuse January 16, 2008 at 10:43 am

    OB “lost” [“Lost”?] her mojo? That’s sad. If I find your “O” lurking about…I will whip it’s wayward little ass straight back to you, via express air mail [those orgasms are finicky little things].

    Thanks, I knew I could count on you! Two more weeks until Lost!

  8. 8 Doktor Holocaust January 17, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    Yeah. just get him drunk enough and drop him off in front of a military recruiter’s office.

    Actually, having him back home is going quite well. It’s amazing how different the dynamic is, now that he’s more independent and responsible for his own expenses. Less parent/child and more landlord/tenant.

  9. 9 pradapixie January 19, 2008 at 11:30 am

    eeeuuuwww! sounds a very dodgy place. and the clientele even dodgier, not including you and Ken of course!
    your sex drive is related to your meds, so get better quick and then you can rediscover sex, especially if you go the Caribbian to relocate it!

    Yes, this higher dosage does nothing for my libido! I might as well invest in a shitload of flannel nighties and great big panties and turn in early every night!

  10. 10 Red January 19, 2008 at 10:57 pm

    Oh noooo is right!

    Heehee! I knew this would strike fear in your heart, O multiorgasmic one!

  11. 11 AnthonyNorth January 21, 2008 at 5:10 am

    Diet helps. Orgasmic veg is big over here. Or is that organic?

    And a hearty yuck, yuck to you too, North! Betcha can’t say ‘organic orgasm’ ten times in a row!

  12. 12 joebecca February 2, 2008 at 10:45 am

    hey you!! i’m back and blogging again!! come see me http://www.joebecca.wordpress.com

    i’m trying to play catch up, although i have so much! i’ll get to it all eventually though, i’m sure of it! miss you!

    There you are! I’m stopping by.

  13. 13 Laurie February 2, 2008 at 3:02 pm

    It’s been a while since I commented; I’ve been lurking. This post made me slide off my chair and thank the Lord I’m not incontinent.

    Glad you liked it! I’ve been absent too.

  14. 14 Mamaflo March 29, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    I thought it was only me that had a creepy feeling every time I saw the woman on the Lyrica commercial – you’ve made my month letting me know I’m not alone – thanks :)!!!
    I like your blog, I’ll be back.

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