I’ve spent a lifetime marrying, divorcing, dating, fucking and just plain horsing around, Along the way there have been compromises, accommodations, deals with the Devil, trade-offs, give-ins, cop-outs and arbitration.
In other words: Concessions have been made
And so now, after much consideration, pondering and contemplation, and with hope still coursing through my swiftly sclerosing arteries, I’ve decided to compromise no more. Look, I’m a reasonable person who plays well with others; I can put up with a lot of shit and still retain my world-famous biting wit. But experience has taught me one thing: You must meet certain requirements if you want to be my guy.
Got that? Good. Let’s review:
#6: Must provide copies of financial statements for review. I’m not a spendthrift and I don’t want to waste a good portion of my time worrying about your spending habits. If you’re bad with money, find someone else.
#5 Must be masculine (but also have big enough balls to romance me every, single day). I plan on taking good care of my man and I expect reciprocation! Frequently! I want you to be a man and do manly things. But fellas, it’s not gay to be romantic. Really. Remember, foreplay starts before bedtime and 90% of a woman’s orgasm is cerebral. 90%!!
#4: Must not be a hoarder. Look, I expect you to have your own shit, but seriously, if you have a proclivity to collect things- like scrap lumber or empty tubes of toothpaste, or if you haven’t thrown a newspaper or magazine away in the past 25 years, or if you keep every single empty box belonging to every single item you’ve ever purchased (just in case you might possible NEED IT SOMEDAY), or if you don’t currently have room in your house to walk because the shit’s piled up EVERYWHERE – then we have no future. I will not abide clutter. Enough said.
#3: Must be able to spell and have a working knowledge of proper grammar. If you can’t write a coherent sentence, move on. My perfect mate will be able to spot the misspellings on public signs and laugh with me about them, write a love letter that will knock my socks off and be able to compose effective business correspondence. Mmmm, business correspondence.
#2: Must have a sense of humor. OK, this is a big one. Let’s say we’re having a disagreement and things get a little heated. You need to know right now that I’ll probably burst out laughing at some point during the argument. I expect you to do the same. If you can’t, then hook yourself up with a grim-faced bitch who loves to fight and I predict you’ll be very happy together.
#1: Must love music. This is essential. My perfect mate must be able relate music to every aspect of his life, have an extensive listening background and be able to converse with me at length on nuance and form. I expect you to have a comprehensive music collection that you’ve been working on for several years (preferably since high school). One of the very first things I’ll notice about you is the music you listen to and I expect you to do the same. It should be incredibly easy for the right man to make a mix tape for me that will knock my socks off.
OK. There you have it – Six simple rules if you want to be my man. My needs are few and I know you’re out there baby. Come to me.