After fleeing her hometown of Atlanta during General Sherman’s siege, Aunt Pittypat lived out her remaining years in a small town in Georgia. Now, through the miracle of cloning, Aunt Pitty has been brought back to life, where she is able to fulfill her greatest dream – to advise Southern women in proper behavior. Unfortunately though, 150 years have passed…
Q: My brother has recently gone to jail for embezzling money from his employer. What should I say to people when they ask what he’s been doing lately?
A: Well, dahlin’, a Southern girl never airs her family’s dirty laundry in public. It’s best just to say that he’s gone away to a sanatorium to “rest” for a spell. A true Southerner understands crazy a lot better than they understand dishonesty or ungentlemanly behavior.
Q: My boyfriend keeps asking me to kiss his sausage but I say that’s gross! He says he’ll stop being my boyfriend if I don’t do it. What should I do????
A: This is quite a perplexin’ question, my dear and I’m not sure where to start! To be very clear: A lady does not – under any circumstances – kiss food, unless she wants to end up in the sanitorium with her brother. For your gentleman friend to request such a thing makes him quite suspect indeed! Is he, by chance, a Yankee? They do some rather odd things up there.
Q: I want to pierce my nipples but my mom says I can’t until I’m 18! This is so unfair! Aunt Pitty, what do YOU think?
A: Oh my! Peter, my smelling salts! (Aunt Pitty has fallen into a dead faint. After a brief interlude, she revives). Well, let me say your question has left me quite speechless! Have you been dipping into the laudanum young lady??? Your bosom is a sacred thing, fit for suclking babies but not, I repeat, not for piercing holes into. Goodness, such a thing could not possibly be comfortable – or becoming. I fear this practice could do irreparable harm, not to mention drastically impair your chances for marriage to a suitable gentleman. And how on earth do you expect to cinch your corset properly?
Q: I’m a 22 year old woman . My live-in boyfriend of 2 years wants to get married but I seriously don’t know if I ever want to marry. What should I do?
A: You are practically a spinster already, my dear! If you wait much longer, your marriage prospects will wither and die – just like an unwatered camilia- and this would be a tragedy. And why, if I may ask, does your beau live in the same house with you? Is it because his estate was burned down by the Yankees? Or is he a visiting cousin from afar – preferably a civilized place like Savannah or Charleston? If he is gainfully employed and a gentleman, there is no reason to tarry. Please make it a priority to engage the services of your family minister so you can be properly married, and not end up a burden to your poor family.
Q: When my husband and I are having sex, he wants me to talk dirty to him. I don’t feel comfortable doing this, but he says he’s going to lose interest in me if I don’t start. What should I do?
A: Well, a lady should never engage in gutter talk, nor should it ever be requested of her; it’s just not done, my dear. Try telling him what a handsome man he is and how much you admire his intelligence and superior business skills. If this tactic does not work, try batting your eyelashes and saying “Darlin’ your lovemaking leaves me absolutely speechless.” If he’s a true gentleman, this should surely be enough for him to consider you the rare flower that you most certainly are.