Archive for June, 2005

lance armstrong week

It’s Lance armstrong week on the Discovery Channel! Here’s a sampling of what you can view this week about Lance Armstrong!

Discovery Science; The Science of Lance Armstrong. Did you know that Lance has “superhuman physiology”? Can you say “performance-enhancing drugs?”

The Learning Channel: Linda Armstrong Kelly – Lance’s mother describes how she transferred specific cycling DNA to Lance in utero. Also, discover Linda’s private side.

Discovery Health: Cancer:Inspired – individuals similar to Lance Armstrong who beat cancer. I don’t know if this is about men who survived testicular cancer and went on to win the Tour de France or men who just survived testicular cancer or any kind of cancer. Whopee.

Discovery Travel: See the places Lance will pass by during Tour de France. Of course, he will be traveling at superhuman speeds due to his superhuman physiology and probably won’t even see these places.

The Learning Channel’s Overhaulin’: Not only do we get Lance, we also get Lance’s skank girlfriend, Sheryl Crow.

I suggested a show but The Discovery Networks didn’t pick it up, unfortunately for them. I called it “I am Lance Armstrong’s Missing Testicles.” I think they’re passing on a show that could have totally rounded out Lance Armstrong Week. What do you think?

Advertisements

support the troops


Originally uploaded by kpalmer45.

midgets suck

Well now. That last post was a real downer, eh? You’ll all be happy to know that the doctor has put me back on mood-enhancing drugs, so I’ll soon be back to my former perky self. Yeah, I had become so depressed I was seriously contemplating going to see Batman Begins or Return of the Sith (Cyst? Syph?…whatever).

In the meantime, my worst nightmare walked into the office the other day – a midget. I have an irrational dislike for midgets and dwarves. And if itty bitty fairies and sprites and gnomes and trolls were real, I’d dislike them too.

Most people find midgets “cute” and “adorable” but I don’t. I don’t like their stumpy little fingers and legs. I find their large heads disturbing and freakish.

People often comment to me “it’s ironic you hate midgets, you know – cause you’re short.” I don’t really find that comment funny OK? Besides, I don’t ever say I hate midgets. Hate is an emotion that I save for certain members of the Republican party. I merely dislike and despise midgets, not hate them. I’d like to clear that up right now.

The problem with this particular midget, besides his midget-ness, was the fact that he was also a salesman, another species I loathe. This made him a f***ing annoying midget. The only thing I can imagine worse than a plain salesman midget would be a clown midget. If I ever saw a clown midget I think I would immediately lapse into a psychotic state requiring long-term inpatient care, and possibly 4-point restraints. I don’t think my new happy pills would be enough for such a horrifying encounter.

The salesman midget today offered to give me a hug: “How about a hug from a midget?” he said. I looked down on him, from my entire 60″ height, and said, “Don’t even go there buddy.” I think it was cool the way I kept the quiver of fear out of my voice and resisted the urge to slap the midget smirk off his large frying-pan-like face. Later, while reflecting on the reason why a midget would offer to hug a strange woman, I concluded that this is just the kind of man that’s attracted to me these days. When I was young, it used to be hot young guys with long, luxurious hair, but it seems nowadays the young guys just want women their own age. Damn. It’s hell getting old.

Karen Palmer, Life Coach for the Unenthusiastic

Are you depressed? Bored? Or just naturally unenthusiastic?
Do you find others avoiding you or running the other way when you walk by?
Hire me, Karen Palmer, Life Coach for the Unenthusiastic
I can show you ways to fake certain emotions such as happiness, joy, and most importantly – enthusiasm. Plus, I can show you how to do it in ways that don’t appear false or insincere.
Now no one ever needs to know just how unenthusiastic or depressed you really are!
Let’s face, your friends, family and co-workers don’t really want to be around your depression and/or unenthusiasm. In fact, your moods are probably downright scary to most folks! I can show you how to cope in situations that others find routine and give you life-long skills in:
  • feigning interest in others,
  • smiling convincingly, and most importantly,
  • showing enthusiasm.
Be the shining star in the boardroom, attract the attention of that certain someone out there, or just get through a weekend with your in-laws. These skills will help you get through almost every situation life throws your way.
Call today and receive a bonus lesson “Pretending to be Joyous” – helpful in church, at weddings, the birth of a baby, and many, many other situations that call for a special kind of enthusiasm.
Why wait another day? The ability to fake happiness is just a phone call away. Don’t delay!

Oprah Letter #3

Dear Oprah,

As your doorman has probably told you by now, I was in Chicago over the weekend. Our local chapter of Large Lovers had traveled up to The Windy City to attend the Taste of Chicago festival, but imagine our surprise when we found out that the festival wasn’t until next weekend. Talk about a SNAFU! All was not lost however, and we all spent the weekend shopping and, of course, eating at some of the restaurants in your fine city. Wow, it’s really true what they say about the Italian Beef sandwich isn’t it?? In fact, the KC chapter of Large Lovers voted the Italian Beef sandwich as Best Food in Chicago! We also held a vote to revoke our president, George Blutowski’s, membership in KC Large Lovers because he was the idiot who planned this entire excusion on the wrong weekend. Nobody liked George much anyway because he was always calling the women “hot mamas” and saying things to us like “Ummm, looks tasty.” Creepy.

On Sunday I took a side trip by myself and visited your condo building. Wow, talk about swank! Is it true that you really live on the entire top floor??? Gosh, I’ll bet you hope the elevator never breaks down! Anyway, since you haven’t responded to my 6 previous letters, I really, really wanted to talk to you personally about my wildest dream of having stomach stapling surgery and thought it would help if you could see me in person and hear my story, so you would know and understand the pain I live with every day. I was going to tell you about the terribly cruel boys who live in my neighborhood, and their latest prank of putting donuts in my mailbox and how one of the jelly donuts leaked and totally ruined my June copy of Oprah magazine. Unfortunately, I didn’t get that chance.

When I first got to your condo, I thought I would just wait across the street and see if you came out, but I got tired of people staring at me and my sign that said “Please Oprah, Grant Me My Wildest Dream!”. When they started laughing and pointing I decided to just go over to your building and ask the doorman if he could please ring your bell and ask if you would talk to me. I have to tell you, Oprah, he was PRETTY RUDE and it was REALLY disappointing when he called the police. As they were escorting me out of the building, I made the doorman promise to tell you that I had come by, and he said “Oh, don’t worry, lady, I’ll tell her alright,” Later I found out that you weren’t even in Chicago last weekend so I don’t know why he got so bent out of shape.

Anyway, I’m enjoying the reruns this summer. I especially like how you combine parts of two different shows to make one new show – kind of like reruns without the rerun! Oprah, this is exactly why I admire you so much! I have to go now – it’s time for me to leave to go to my Large Lovers meeting. This week we’re going to The Cheesecake Factory. Yum!

Your friend,

K

free at last

MJ’s attorney announced today that Jacko will no longer be inviting other people’s children into his bed. I guess that means he’ll only be molesting his own boys from now on.

the anti-magnetic-support-ribbon magnetic support ribbon

Sorry I’ve been lax about keep up here but sometimes my brain shuts down. Here’s what I’ve been thinking about today (which was inspired by an article regarding the American Family Association’s boycott of Ford products because of their “support of a pro-gay agenda.”):

Not to be outdone by all those millions of cars and trucks out there sporting magnetic support ribbons (Support The Troops! Freedom Isn’t Free!!! God Bless the USA!!!! Go Chiefs!!!!!!!!!), I have gotten my very own ribbon for the Ford Focus (which still has its John Kerry for President sticker firmly attached). My ribbon says “Enough With The Ribbons.”

I thought you’d like that.

One day last school year my teenage son came home wearing a purple and pink support ribbon. When I asked him what it was for, he told me it was to show support for transgender students. Cool! And he’s still a heterosexual! I’m thinking of writing a letter to The American Family Association to let them know that, thankfully, another straight teen has resisted the siren call of homosexuality. I’m sure they’ll consider that quite an accomplishment, especially since his Kerry-lovin’ mother owns a pro-gay Ford product and displays an anti-magnetic-support-ribbon magnetic support ribbon.