It’s a scary world out there, folks, and it’s getting scarier. I’ve been pondering a few recent events that have very scary implications for our Brave New World:
Waterboarding: While the debate continues to rage about whether or not waterboarding is still being used by the CIA as an interrogation technique – whether it be at an illegal location in an Eastern bloc country, or right here at our own detainee playground in Cuba – it seems to me that the most obvious problem has been ignored: The name of the technique itself. I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word ‘waterboarding’ I don’t immediately think “Ewww. THAT sounds scary”. Instead, I think New Extreme Sport!! The name sounds suspiciously similar to Snowboarding, doesn’t it? While I’m sure that our trustworthy government would never intentionallyname a torture technique (so horrible it’s against the Geneva Convention) something that sounds like a fun sport for twentysomething daredevils, I propose they consider changing the name. Maybe to something more descriptive – like Brink of Death Drowning Torture, or The You’ll- Never-Feel-the-Same-Way-About-a-Shower-Ever-Again Interrogation Technique.
Osama bin Laden: Lately I’ve found the Bearded One’s videos to be more cute than scary – “Americans should all embrace Islam….” (for various reasons, one being, “because there are no taxes in Islam, only alms.” Huzzah!)
What really disturbs me, though, is this: Isn’t it obvious, from these 2004 and 2007 pictures of Mr. Crazy Himself, that a shipment of Just for Men had been hijacked from its regular route to Sun City, Arizona, to a group of caves, somewhere in Afghanistan? And how, pray tell, did this happen?
The US had better get control over this shipping container security problem before we start seeing something like this on our store shelves:
If Just for Men can help this man elude capture for over six years, imagine what it can do for you!
Political campaigns that never stop: First it started with holidays. Unable to allow its customers one solid week of freedom from thinking about upcoming holidays, stores have set up a continuously rotating set of holiday displays. New Years, Valentines, St Patrick’s, Easter, Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, Father’s Day, 4th of July, Flag Day, Labor Day, Christmas/Halloween, Christmas/Thanksgiving, and finally, Christmas/Christmas.
Not content being left out of our year-long holiday gorging and spending sprees, the 2008 political campaigning started mere weeks after Bush’s reelection in 2004. The fact that you actually made the mistake of contributing to a political campaign once – ten years ago – will now entitle you to a neverending stream of meddlesome phone calls and mailers, all with their collective hands out crying ‘More, Please’. I predict that we’ll never again know a time when someone’s not campaigning to be our next President. Much like seeing store Christmas displays in August (and there’s really nothing that says Festive! like a fully decorated Christmas tree next to a display of wailing, motion-sensitive goblins) we’ll complain about it, but no one will actually listen.
Birth Control for 11-year-olds: I have only one question – what’s scarier? A pregnant eleven year old, or an eleven year old on birth control?
Last but not least – The Hollywood Writer’s Strike: This is perhaps the scariest thing of all. Personally, I don’t care if most of what passes for television writing bites the dust for awhile. However, I’m afraid of what this means for the one and only show I actually care about – Lost. It’s not enough that the loyal viewers of what is perhaps the most interesting and intelligent show on TV today have to endure a 9 month wait for new episodes. No – now that January is finally closing in on us, the fucking writers have to go on strike. I’ve heard that there are eight Lost episodes ready, but where does that leave the story? I’ll tell you where – right in the middle of “gotta know what happens next” How about right in the middle of revealing who or what the Smoke Monster is? Or right in the middle of explaining how and why everyone got off the island and why Jack wants to go back? Or maybe right in the middle of showing us what happened to Evil Ben. Me no likey. No sir. Why can’t they let the Lost writers go back to work?
Anyway, I think the writers are just big babies. They should be glad to be getting paid to write anything, much less asking for internet content royalties. Hey, where’s MY internet content royalties? Huh?